‘It was nice while it lasted’: Gavin Williamson cancels Lamborghini order

With tales of Carrie's ministerial ministrations to Boris Johnson’s Johnson, while its married owner was purportedly head of the Foreign Office in everything bar competence, coming out faster than biological stains out of gold-embossed wallpaper, Gavin Williamson is seeing his pleasant journey on the hush-money gravy train dribbling to an end.

Williamson’s escalating blackmail demands, after allegedly walking in on the couple in flagrante, resulted in him being promoted to Defence Minister. This despite the leaking of plans to ‘vigorously defend our sovereignty over Isla St Clair and the Nick Kamen Islands’. The then Secretary of State for Education handed over A-Level grading to the Montenegro Eurovision voting panel, before being knighted for Services to Forgetting Those Horrifically Haunting Images.

Putting reserve plans into place with hitherto undisplayed military precision, the human badly-tied shoelace has honourably put his South Staffordshire constituents first by swiftly accepting a £50,000-a-year second job advising RTC Education Ltd, who in addition to running private schools, has donated over £165,000 to the Tories.

‘I don’t know how he landed such a cushy role,’ commented an unnamed spider. ‘I can only guess his new employer is similarly careless about locking the door while getting their hinges oiled.’

Image from Pixabay by Virvoreanu-Laurentiu

https://pixabay.com/photos/yellow-car-lambo-vehicle-transport-2142781/

At a laundrette somewhere near 1 Horse Guards Road, London

MP’s only wrongdoing was ‘groping on weeknight reserved for leering and coercive texting’

Guardians of Tory Propriety and Masters of Ceremonial Sleaze, including Mark Garnier, Stephen Crabb and Damian Green, have not at all downplayed Christopher Pincher’s drunken groping of two men on Wednesday night as a 'minor infraction of social intercourse etiquette'.

Garnier, also known as Mixmaster Sugartits, did not in any way confirm: ‘As laid down in the 'Party? PartAAAY!' constitution by Sir Craigwell Davidston, 3rd Viscount of Southampton and whipper-in with the Hampshire Dry Humpers, during the week one may use parliamentary privilege to force a liaison on Monday, moving onto casual drink-spiking on Tuesday, but non-consensual groping is improper before Thursday. Wednesday should be limited to lewd texting of one’s Honourable Member, while Friday is traditionally persistent recreational upskirting and frottage on the commute home to one’s constituency.’

‘Obviously pretty much anything is permitted on Saturday and Sunday,’ Stephen “check out THIS red box!” Crabb, did not add a little too enthusiastically. ‘But - and I cannot stress this enough - only if the parliamentary offices and equipment regularly used for such are wiped clean of lube, xylazine, and Banana Nesquik. They tend to clog up the photocopiers, and it's clear staffers are down on their knees enough as it is. Incest and bestiality should really be confined to deeply rural constituencies, where it’s pretty much de rigueur.’

Asked whether Pincher, who managed to climb back up the greasy pole - allegedly multiple times according to fellow “Late Voting Nite” revellers - after facing serious sexual misconduct allegations in 2017, should fall on his own sword, Damian “quick, close the browser” Green looked shocked and definitely didn't say: ‘If he retains the lower back flexibility to do that at his age, I’d be surprised, impressed, and deeply envious.’