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Andy Burnham opens 'No 10 Slough'

eppursimuove
Aug 7

In recognition of the fact that the north isn't the only neglected wasteland in the country, Andy Burnham has announced plans to open "No 10 Slough".


The new office, conveniently situated near a grim 1960s multi-storey car park, is thought to have formerly belonged to a paper manufacturer that went bust due to mismanagement. Burnham said that he wanted to be a friend to the staff more than a boss, and especially to make them laugh, saying his heroes weren't Labour Party titans like Nye Bevan or Clement Attlee, they were "Everett, Milligan, Cleese... Sessions."


However, his attempt to ingratiate himself with the staff with comedy fell flat, as it relied heavily on offensive stereotypes and impressions of people they'd never met. His failure was all the more galling when compared with the effortless popularity of office manager Neil Godwin, leading to a dance-off between the two which those who saw it say they will never forget.


A shamefaced Burnham now plans to return to the office as rarely as possible, and always with his dog. He promised not to get involved in the running of the place, only asking "Who does yer tampons?"




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Britain is in ‘diplomatic contact’ with gangs that run Slough

Writer: Nicka
Nicka
Dec 22, 2024


Britain has reached out to the feral youth gangs who brought down local council rule in Slough. Foreign secretary David Lammy confirmed the UK was in touch with the unnamed new de facto ruler of Slough, who heads local youth gang, the Slough Massifs. The Massifs were formed in the early noughties as they took advantage of the failure of Slough town council to arrest rampant crime, drug use, and bin collection disorder.


However, the Massifs have now seemingly distanced themselves from their origins in drug dealing and street theft, with instructions to members not to be seen out in hoodies or ballies. Speaking last night, a representative of Lammy said, ‘The Slough Massifs remain a proscribed organization, but we have established diplomatic contact using EncroChat.’


The new Massif regime has pledged to bring back a sense of unity to Slough, and to rid the town of its reputation as the most miserable place to live in the UK. ‘We will retain the town’s unitary state. To this end we have already been in touch with regional partners in the Middle Berkshire East.’ But the Massifs have a long road ahead. ‘We know we face an uphill task combating the gangs, homeless people, and drugs that we were largely responsible for spreading.’


Meanwhile, the foreign office was clear about what they wanted to see happen in Slough. ‘We want to see Slough’s skunk and Ket stockpiles secured. And we want to see the Slough Massifs distance themselves from Maidenhead’s weed fundamentalist-leaning ABM (All Bout Money) Crew.’




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