Today’s snooker featured two men with sticks. One of the sticks looked slightly different to the other in two ways. First it was a more speckled variety of stick but the real discussion came when one observer noticed that the chalky bit on one of the sticks was considerably smaller than the chalky bit on the opposing stick.
The game was paused for some time as observers discussed whether there was some degree of advantage to having a smaller chalky bit than a bigger chalky bit. Disappointingly, this enthralling debate failed to reach a conclusion, and may indeed be revisited at a later date.
The snooker game resumed and got very exciting when one man used his stick to hit a ball around an expensive-looking table, which in turn hit other balls around the expensive-looking table and they all made a clickety-clackety noise. Then the man sat down.
Just as we thought things were dying down, the other man stood up. He approached the expensive-looking table and pulled some faces for a little while before bending down and standing up and bending down and standing up and bending down and standing up and bending down and standing up and...this went on for a little while. Then he seemed to get bored with that view so went for a walk around the expensive-looking table, pulling faces, and putting some chalk on the chalky bit of his stick.
The man then, just to remind himself how his stick works, bent down to the expensive-looking table and commenced to thrust his stick back and forth across the thumb of the hand that was currently not operating his stick. Eventually he approached the white ball, bent down, and fortunately remembered how his stick works – thank goodness for that practice moments earlier. He used his stick to hit the white ball and clickety-clackety they all went again before he sat down.
Be sure to return for tomorrow’s instalment where we’ll discuss the man who licked his finger and touched the expensive-looking table
image from pixabay
Your local parish priest reckons absolutely everything happening in the world is rich pickings for an analogy to Jesus and His work, it has been confirmed.
In recent weeks, Father Michael O’Brien, 53, has used the war in Ukraine, the Final of the Apprentice, the World Snooker Championships and two magpies sat on a tree in his garden as fodder for his sermons, with stretched metaphors to God leaving his congregation looking increasingly perplexed.
‘I watched the Man City v Liverpool game last Sunday with anticipation and foreboding’ noted O’Brien, in his latest missive from the pulpit. ‘Like our Lord, both teams were striving to ‘be their best’, but doubting themselves. Pep Guardiola was no doubt swearing at the players at half time and overturning the tables in his ‘temple just like Jesus did when he was a young man. And wasn’t it just like our Saviour’s attempt to reach out to his disciples when the Liverpool goalie literally reached out to tip that shot over the bar?’
O’Brien has already penned the next few weeks’ sermons for his congregation, finding God somewhere in the council elections, the Queen’s jubilee and the first round of Britain’s Got Talent.
‘Even this crappy little satirical piece you’ve written mocking my sermons is a bit like Jesus, isn’t it?’, said O’Brien earnestly. ‘The second flabby paragraph with no real gags is like Jesus’s 40 days in the wilderness. And then there’s a sort of joke and hidden message here where I’m mocking myself - not unlike Jesus mocking himself in the garden of Gethsemane’. ‘
Will there be a fantastic end - similar to the second coming of Jesus - with a pithy killer punchline?’, said O Brien. ‘Ah, sadly, it seems not’.
First published 16 April 2022
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