Virgin Galactic bus replacement service 'ready to go'

Virgin Galactic has said a bus replacement service is ready should there be any problems with the flight scheduled to take Virgin representatives and Richard Branson to the edge of space.

'As with the West Coast route, we appreciate that there may be issues on the day ranging from wrong beard in the cabin to the wrong kind of stratosphere,' said a Virgin spokesman today.

Most rocket experts believe the flight will take place regardless, but fully expect the toilet door to remain open for most of the flight.

In space, it turns out, everyone can hear you scream

"ARGHHHH! Which one of you bitches left a chocolate brownie finger smudge on my kale samples?"

Astronauts working at 320 miles above the Earth's surface in oxygen controlled environments can hear each other perfectly clearly, it turns out. They can even hear the farty sounds emerging from 'Pooh Corner'.

"Shit on it! I've just turned the release valve the wrong way."

Even on a space walk, everyone is well mic'd up, and the rest of the crew are all too aware that you've just buggered up the mission, and possibly just ended their lives.

"Will you stop bouncing that powerball off the ceiling you annoying little shite."

And the advanced radio systems beam back every last swear word, curse and 'domestic' spat to hundreds of people listening in at mission control.

"NOOOO! Not the red lever..."

But it doesn't end there. TV broadcasts and live streams all over the world wide web ensure that potentially millions of people are listening in to your spacey soap opera expletives. The young children of Wheelock County Primary School just heard mission Commander Rogers scream his last breath as he was thwooped out of the spacelab hatch.

Now, finally, peace and quiet. No one has to listen to him bang on about how untidy the sleeping area is. Even though you can't actually leave mess lying around in zero gravity.