Elon Musk's Rocket Explodes in Huge Metaphor

Nine minutes after launching on its latest test flight, Elon Musk's starship project experienced an anomaly, causing a huge metaphor to occur over the Atlantic Ocean.

Engineers are still piecing together data, with initial investigations showing it's likely the loss was caused by the conjunction of an allegory and a parable, or possibly a symbolism overload.

Speaking at the launch site in Texas, flight controller Emerald Minor gave waiting reporters and members of the Muskovites an update, saying, 'The flight was proceeding to plan until separation, when we had a rapid unscheduled disassembly of the booster caused by build issues, and a hugely expensive self-destruction of the main Starship vehicle prompted by an illogical decision.'

She continued, 'SpaceX are taking active measures to prevent metaphors to other ventures undertaken by our illustrious leader occurring in subsequent launches. As such, we have asked Elon to not attend the next flight in case it blows up in his face, reinforcing the launch pad to avoid an expensive black hole, and we will be keeping Jewish members of the team away from him at all costs; though we've actually been doing that for years.'

Elon Musk could not be reached for comment as he was busy trying to get strangers on the internet to think he's a really cool and funny guy.

image from pixabay

Mars bans Elon Musk

In a blow to Elon Musk’s plan to colonize Mars, the Martian government has banned the multi-billionaire from setting foot on the planet. The ban also applies to all spaceships owned in whole or in part by Musk or any of his contractors, according to Xyqqqwz, the Martian government’s Minister of Migration. ‘Any of Mr. Musk’s vessels that enter Martian orbit, or land on the surface, will immediately be seized and sold for scrap,’ said Xyqqqwz.

The ban comes in the wake of several recent bizarre interventions Musk has made in UK politics. ‘We get the BBC just like everyone else,’ Xyqqqwz explained in a rare interplanetary press conference. ‘And what we’ve been seeing just boggles the neuroreceptors.’ Martians seem particularly disturbed by Musk’s peculiar fascination with Tommy Robinson, famed throughout the solar system for his grotesque racism. ‘He is what we Martians refer to as a wanker,’ Xyqqqwz observed.

Down at the Comet & Crater, a popular local watering hole, the public reaction to the ban has generally been positive. ‘We should just keep all the humans out,’ said Qxxwwq, a canal maintenance worker. ‘All they do is bring crime and filth, and you can’t get even half a day’s work out of them.’

Yqqqxw, a property developer, had a more complex view. ‘We certainly welcome human tourism because we could use the money,’ Yqqqxw said. ‘But we don’t need ignorant and unskilled humans like Musk coming here to stay and burdening our taxpayers.’ One patron, who asked not to be identified, said he would welcome Musk to Mars. ‘I sell ketamine and I think his arrival here would really be good for business.’

Picture credit: Wix AI

All trimmed up for Christmas?