EXCLUSIVE: Leaked details of Truss's upcoming keynote conference speech

NewsBiscuit has exclusively acquired a leaked transcript of Liz Truss's keynote address to be given to the assembled geriatrics and right wing reactionary crackpots at next week's Tory Party Conference in Birmingham.

Among many things, the document reveals the central plank in the prime minister's plan to unveil long-awaited measures to benefit the poor and underprivileged who are struggling to make ends meet.

In one passage sure to play well with delegates Ms. Truss will say:

"Conference, we're not the party of heartlessness. No (pause for sycophantic applause) We have listened to the people and I am proud to announce this. Rather than give the poor generous cash handouts, which they'll only squander on booze and fags, we shall go one step better. Instead, every day they will all receive a rosy apple free gratis with no strings attached. This is caring conservatism at its finest. (take a beat of ten for wave of uncontrolled adulation to build through the auditorium).

That's levelling up in action and at its best, conference! Because do you know, an apple sliced extremely finely is more than enough to feed a family of six. Of course, a good knife with the keenest of blades is key, but then doesn't every household in the the land have one? And if not, surely those who don't can acquire a Sabatier from John Lewis Online. Even the most hopeless have the Internet... don't they?

But, conference we will not stop there. To ensure the poor do not feel demonised, pitied or patronised, we have arranged for a queuing system to be implemented at the rear of each and every one of the major supermarkets, just next to the skips, where lucky recipients can line up to get this extraordinary and much needed boost to their finances, safely out of sight of prying eyes."

More extracts to follow tomorrow.

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Prince Charles slays Parliament with “Zhuzhed-up” edit of Queen’s speech

In an effort to connect with younger generations, but not in a ‘Prince Andrewy-way’, Prince Charles has delivered a ‘Xennials style’ version of the speech originally penned by The Queen in his opening of parliament today.

The Queen pulled out of the State Opening for the first time in 60 years due to mobility problems, the fact that she can’t be arsed, and because she’d rather drink a gallon of corgi piss than spend another minute in the vicinity of Boris Johnson.

'Everyone knows that kids these days are obsessed by the goings on in parliament,' said Palace aide, Graeme Stool. 'They’re constantly Instatwatting what goes down ‘in-da-House of Commons’, so The Prince of Wales saw this as a gilt-edged opportunity to show the masses that he’s ‘down wiv da kids'.'

'Having read The Queen’s speech this morning, Charles, or Ché as he wants to be known, says the intended message was ‘a bit square’, and he wanted to ‘zhuzh it up a bit’ by adding ‘a few woke zingers’ and some ‘lit takes’.'

The Speech, which focused on growth of the economy was re-titled, 'Shook: The Struggle is Real', and made some acerbic jibes at the government with lines such as, 'This government is so sus, I can’t even. They should be cancelled!', and a vociferous chant of, 'Who’s the boomer with the wig', aimed at the Prime Minister.

The Prince of Wales appeared to be enjoying himself as he entered Parliament via the red carpet but had dispensed with his traditional dress uniform and instead displayed his ‘bling’ (medals) on a Superdry hoodie.

To finish, the heir to the throne winked at the Speaker of the House and told him, 'Yo, I gotta bounce, my palace is a pigsty, hashtag humblebrag’, before addressing the floor, dropping a microphone he had brought himself, and stating, 'Ché out!'

Image from Pixabay by PixelAnarchy

https://pixabay.com/photos/royal-family-prince-charles-mask-8305/

Wind from Johnson's arse will power every home in the UK

Addressing the Tory Party Conference, Boris Johnson has announced an ambitious plan that will see the endless flow of hot air and wind emanating from his bum-hole harnessed in a bid to supply the UK's entire domestic electricity supply within ten years.

As ever when it comes to Mr Johnson's sensational promises, hard details are in short supply, but it's understood that from today onward he will eat only baked beans and hot spicy foods in a bid to build up initial reserves. One insider commenting off the record said, 'The PM generates phenomenal amounts of wind wherever he goes so we hope he can deliver on his promise for once.'

Boffins are currently working on a sophisticated valve and detachable pipework system that will be inserted into Boris's anus sometime next year. One wind expert commented, 'With Mr Johnson undoubtedly being the nation's biggest windbag it would be a shame to let this opportunity simply go to waste and disappear, as it were, on the breeze.'

Image: Pixabay/pixel1