May completes Brexit deal by agreeing to stay in EU

Prime Minister Theresa May has successfully concluded Brexit negotiations on the first day that she took over them – but accidentally committed to remaining in the EU. 'At first we were all slightly confused because she just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’, ‘red, white and blue Brexit’ and ‘strong and stable’ at us,' said Michel Barnier, the EU’s chief negotiating officer. 'But eventually we had a rigorous debate. She was as tough with us as she is at Prime Minister’s Question Time – so it was quite easy.'

Hours went by and the deal while the deal was thrashed out behind closed doors. Recently appointed - and even more recently deputised - Brexit secretary Dominic Rabb said the negotiations were 'fierce' before adding: 'Well, they sounded like it through the keyhole I was listening at. But I didn't like to pry too much because Mrs May said it wasn't any of my business.'

After just three hours Barnier and a confused looking May appeared before the press to announce the details of the deal. 'We spent the last few hours listening to Mrs May’s demands and looking at the Chequers White Paper,” Barnier said. “We still have no idea of what her Government wants. There seemed to be no common ground and then we had a breakthrough and found areas we agreed upon, which was to piss Boris off.'

'We laughed a lot, far more than we ever did with David Davies,' Barnier continued. 'Mrs May was willing to make quite a few concessions to get at Boris. She conceded on the issue of blue passports, the need to leave the EU and the future of her political career.' May was led away whilst mumbling 'Brexit means Boris'. Meanwhile, Home Secretary Sajid Javid said the deal meant the UK would not object if the EU wanted to bring the death penalty for Nigel Farage.

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Employees who murder their boss 'more likely to be promoted'

Killing your boss may be a better career move than sucking up to him, a new study by a leading recruitment think tank claims. 'Anyone seriously interested in advancing their career should be investing in a meat cleaver or a length of lead piping,' said Glen Pattison of Recruitment Strategies Institute. An ounce of blunt instrument is worth a ton of hard work and sycophancy.'

Office manager Greg Linney, 38, of Northampton, agrees as his career is flying and his obnoxious ex-team leader is now encased in concrete under his patio. 'Laughing at his jokes and letting him win at golf just wasn't working out,' said Linney 'so I invited him back to my place 'for a few cans' and I haven't looked back since. Before I knew it I'd got his job and his nice office, away from that annoying hum of the printer.'

Meanwhile, Rob Peasley of Leicester considers himself 'the Ted Bundy of career advancement'. Having killed and dismembered two of his superiors in the NHS trust where he worked, he was later snapped up by a leading IT company. However, he warned that getting to the top is much harder in the private sector. 'I had to hold my new boss's head under water for a lot longer - they have that survival instinct you'd don't find in the pampered nationalised industries,' he explained.

For people who feel squeamish about committing homicide for the sake of a salary increase, Pattison advised them to spend four to six hours per day playing bloodthirsty video games to desensitise themselves. 'When I started work here, I was barely able to swat a fly. But after staying up all night playing Decapitation Derby in my basement for six months, I soon made short work of my annoying prat of a supervisor. I still use his left testicle as a paperweight.'

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