'Who could have predicted trouble from this drunken, angry mob?' says Met Police

“We were shocked by the scenes of mayhem in central London and outside Wembley on Sunday evening,” a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police told reporters.

“How were we to know that large groups of football fans, who had been drinking solidly since early morning, might turn rowdy after England lost and take out their rage on opposition supporters? We are not clairvoyants.

“And how were we to know that mobs of chavs without match tickets might decide to swarm past security into Wembley stadium?

"I stress that the Met’s policy is to send large numbers of officers only to locations where we predict there will be disorder. And our officers told us that they didn’t expect any disorder in London on match day - on the grounds that they all wanted to sit and watch the game at home rather than to battle hundreds of drunken, angry thugs on a rainy Sunday evening.

“The Met finds it far easier in these dreadful cases to wait until all the trouble has died down and afterwards to issue pious lectures to the general public.

“However, all of us in the police have to accept that we, like Mr Southgate and his squad, have found our limits. From now on, we will give up any attempt to keep order at mass events or to stop central London from descending into anarchy. Instead, we will concentrate on the kind of thing we did so well during the lockdowns, such as arresting grieving women attending a vigil on Clapham Common.”

Southgate selects 26 goalkeepers

England football manager, Gareth Southgate, attracted criticism yesterday, as he announced the final England squad for the delayed 2020 Euros, which now contains 26 goalkeepers.

'I simply selected the best 26 footballers in the land", the England manager declared, as he defended his selection policy. "If I could have picked 27, I would have done'.

The squad's makeup heavily favours Southgate's preferred 0-0-0 formation, and kit sponsors, Nike, have provided replica goalkeeper jerseys, shorts and Peter Shilton 'Stopmaster' gloves.

Football pundits are pointing to low scoring England fixtures, whilst UEFA is currently investigating Southgate's controversial 'White helmets' formation for penalty shoot-outs.

The biggest problem facing Southgate was finding enough English goalkeepers to fill the 26 places. Luckily he was able to scout the lower leagues, handing the 26th place to Colin Collinson (55), part-time shot stopper of Hampshire's Barton Stacey Academicals. Collinson narrowly edged out local rival Magnus 'Nutmeg' Nutmegson of rivals. Spartak Red Star Andover 1860, who qualified for England selection after renouncing his Icelandic passport.

'These are nice problems to have", Southgate told a hungover sporting press. "Obviously, there will be a lot of competition for the number 1 shirt, especially with 25 other goalkeepers, but I think Collinson stands a great chance of being the first name on the sheet, especially as the number one shirt is the only XXL garment in the kit bag.'