'Hatzolah? I thought it was Hezbollah!' says Netanyahu

Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu apologised today for the destruction of four ambulances in north London.

The ambulances belonged to Hatzolah, a voluntary organisation that provides healthcare services for the local Jewish community. Unfortunately, it’s thought the IDF’s intelligence division confused them with Hezbollah.

Netanyahu has apologised for the mistake, though he also pointed out that by the standards of IDF precision strikes, hitting London instead of Lebanon was relatively accurate.

'Of course we’re shocked and upset,' said a spokesman for north London’s Jewish community. 'Then again, the actions of Israel have always been enormously damaging to diaspora Jews, and it’s never made us reconsider our unthinking support. So I can’t imagine it will now,'

Another spokesman said it was one of the darkest days in recent Jewish history, though it turned out he hadn’t heard about the ambulances, and was talking about Spurs losing 3-0 to Nottingham Forest.

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FA ready to do FA about Spurs’ dodgy billionaire owner

The Football Association is about to take decisive inaction regarding the owner of Tottenham Hotspur being charged with insider trading. Even if he is convicted, Joe Lewis who is worth an estimated £5bn, is unlikely to face another ‘fit and proper person’ test because he’s worth an estimated £5bn.

The latest non-move is seen by some as consistent with the FA’s attitude to the insanely rich Saudi owners of Newcastle. However, the FA denies doing nothing about any possible links between the Saudi’s Public Investment Fund and the murder of a journalist, stating that the FA acted swiftly and decisively to turn a blind eye.

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North London man cured of silver allergy

It was announced today that a north London man has been miraculously cured of a silver allergy that has plagued him all his life. The man, known only as Harry K, was so sensitive to the precious metal that he was forced to stay in a special facility in White Hart Lane where he was guaranteed never to encounter any silverware.

It’s not known exactly how he was cured, though he was often observed licking the windows of the sunshine variety coach taking him on days out with his similarly afflicted friends. He said the cure had completely transformed his life, allowing him to travel to places like Munich that would have been off-limits to him before.

Asked whether Harry would learn German during his stay, his manager replied "I doubt it, in 30 years he hardly made any progress with English."

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