A double agent for both MI5 and MI6 has confirmed that Noleg Farageov is a sweet, sweet play to con Russia into believing they've installed another Boris in Londongrad.
'Listen very carefully, I will say this only three times,' explained agent Uvve Doubléé (probably not his real name).
'After Boris The-Clearly-Not-Russian Alexander-The-Great Johnski dismantled British sovereignty, we had Putin right where we wanted him. Luzzia Trussalev did not quite finish off the UK, so it will now be the turn of Noleg Farageov.
'The most important part of the plan is that as much damage as possible is done to Britain, so that Vladimir and his inner circle do not suspect a thing. Then, at the critical moment when he least expects, we will reveal that we knew what he was doing all along by feeding him disinformation about whether or not we knew.
'We will then laugh at Putin and his ex-KGB Comrades and how we carefully played them, outwitted them, and deviously duped them all for so many years. It will be the greatest win for intelligence in history.'
'It is a high level strategy codenamed Bletchley, developed during the Second World War to throw Hitler off the scent by letting the Nazis destroy everything we had. It was very clever because we had in reality decoded the Enigma machine, and all along he never suspected.
'The Turing Test was used again in 1950s America. Unfortunately, that developed into a quadruple bluff when McCarthy tarnished America's finest patriotic minds as Communists, doing Russia a huge favour.
'But we have come a long way since then. Farageov is the perfect triple agent because he has no idea he is actually working on the side of the British. Once he has become Prime Minister and completely destroyed Britain, it is then that we will strike to maximise the uber-Machiavellian plot to humiliate Putin.'
Image: peterbwiberg - Pixabay
A British couple who were imprisoned by the Taliban in Afghanistan for nearly eight months have been released but admit, with a small amount of giggling, 'We were totally spying'.
Peter Reynolds, 80, and his wife Barbie, 76, have lived in the country for nearly two decades but had decided to come home in February. They were stopped and imprisoned whilst on their way to the airport on vague charges such as 'educating women'.
'I remember saying to Barbie at the time', said Peter laughing to himself, 'I hope this isn't about the shit ton of spying we've been doing!'
Barbie smiled warmly, 'Oh yes! I remember that! I had only been doing a bit of spying the day before and I think you had just come back from a whole weekend of spying!'
The couple were freed and are flying to Qatar for medical checks before travelling on to the UK, it is unclear whether they will continue their work as amateur spies.
Image: WixAI