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Young women are ditching bikinis for wife-beaters as they swear off hook-up culture for the summer.


Growing increasingly disillusioned with the reality of what Megan Thee Stallion coined “Hot Girl Summer”, young women are embracing the summer rites of their seniors—more specifically, their fathers.


‘My Instagram feed is saturated with beautiful young women drinking cocktails on yachts and swimming in the crystal-blue waters of the Caribbean. But are they truly happy? No. I’ll tell you who’s truly happy: my dad, Greg.’


Greg is 57 and enjoys spending his summer days sat on a plastic chair in the family’s postage-stamp garden, cradling a can of warm Stella. He may be developing the early stages of skin cancer, but such serenity is seldom found outside a Tibetan monastery.


‘I’ve never seen someone more content and less preoccupied with how they look,’ 19-year-old Sarah says. ‘Here I am, doing ab workouts at 6am while my dad swaggers about with the reddest arms and the whitest globe of a stomach I’ve ever seen. Yet he walks down our street like he owns it; I have a lot to learn from him.’


Fashion outlets are quick to capitalise on this unexpected trend, with retailers like Shien releasing a line of clothing inspired by these perma-tanned patriarchs. Knee-high socks, wraparound sunglasses, ¾ length chinos, and crocs are the new must-haves for the summer. Forget raves and European getaways; disposable BBQs, beer gardens, and standing by the sea with hands on hips have become the pinnacle of summer activities.




Conservative party members, journalists and anyone else with insomnia are bracing for the more controversial element of the leadership contest. Both contestants have failed the 'how will you solve the cost of living crisis' round by promising 'world peace (only kidding), fewer taxes and better breaks for energy companies', and now are heading for the swimsuit round. They will be compared against each other bodily, because comparing their relative intelligence would be a complete waste of effort and a shameful misapplication of microscopes.


One of the contestants has promised to wear a 'very skimpy mankini' for the contest, while the former Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to roll up in a top end designer knitwear full-body swimsuit. 'He said he'd roll up the sleeves to reveal his elbows,' promised an aide. Liz Truss' supporters claim she will ride bare-chested onto the stage on a white horse with a Kalashnikov across her back. 'No idea where she thought that one up,' said an aide, 'but it shows Liz is the most innovate, original thinking candidate in the race.'



'It's been a tough couple years', explained the unnamed celebrity. 'I've gone from regularly appearing on TV, to regularly appearing on TV, to explain why I'm no longer on TV'.


At the launch of his new book, covering how he is no longer published, he said: 'The Internet is filled with an angry woke mob. I have to post a dozen inflammatory comments every day, just to get a reaction.


'I'm rich, white and middle-aged - where can I go to be heard these days? I literally have no platform to express myself, as I explained to my 200,000 Facebook followers.


'I've been cancelled - which is incidentally the name of my next movie'.




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