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Panic as leadership contest enters swimsuit round

Conservative party members, journalists and anyone else with insomnia are bracing for the more controversial element of the leadership contest. Both contestants have failed the 'how will you solve the cost of living crisis' round by promising 'world peace (only kidding), fewer taxes and better breaks for energy companies', and now are heading for the swimsuit round. They will be compared against each other bodily, because comparing their relative intelligence would be a complete waste of effort and a shameful misapplication of microscopes.

One of the contestants has promised to wear a 'very skimpy mankini' for the contest, while the former Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to roll up in a top end designer knitwear full-body swimsuit. 'He said he'd roll up the sleeves to reveal his elbows,' promised an aide. Liz Truss' supporters claim she will ride bare-chested onto the stage on a white horse with a Kalashnikov across her back. 'No idea where she thought that one up,' said an aide, 'but it shows Liz is the most innovate, original thinking candidate in the race.'

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