Rishi Sunak | NewsBiscuit

Lee Anderson broke 30p spending limit, refused to attend spending awareness course

Steveb
May 22

Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party, Lee Anderson, has expressed regret at exceeding the national spending limit of 30p in built-up areas.

The government department for Getting Senior Ministers Off, now the largest sector of the Civil Service, said, 'Mr Anderson should have known better, as it was he who imposed the 30p spending limit himself. He approached us about attending a specially organised one-to-one spending awareness course, but we were already overstretched getting the former Attorney General Suella Braverman off all the laws she has been breaking.'

Rishi Sunak has denied that he knew about Lee Anderson's transgression which took place last summer. He also denied keeping that nugget in his top pocket until such time as 30p Lee might undermine his position in an attempt to become Prime Minister himself, to then use it as a shot across his bows, or even as the reason to sack him from his senior position in that special way which can only be referred to as a resignation.

In an unrelated fiasco, Suella Braverman has claimed that she already knew everything there is to know about speed after a night out with Michael Gove.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 22 May 2023

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I won't mouse for anyone but Keir, vows Larry

Jeremynh
May 21

Downing Street mouser Larry the Cat has put his paw down over who occupies Number 10, saying that if Keir goes, he goes too.

"There've been almost as many Prime Ministers through this door recently as I've got lives," muttered Larry, sitting on the front step, discontentedly licking his rear end.

"Boris was the worst to mouse for. He and Charles Moore would just hurl them through the gates at the plebs passing by on Whitehall.

"'Go on, you vermin!' they'd bray. "Have some vermin for your dinner!'

"Liz Truss would swallow my mice whole, dozens at a time, like oysters. No class, that woman... and certifiably insane.

"Rishi would douse his with cumin, turmeric, chilli powder and fenugreek. Yikes! I ate some of the scraps and I was in the cat litter for one week solid.

"But Keir's my sort. For two years he's eaten my mice plain as God intended, every night, with boiled rice and vanilla ice cream for afters.

"God knows what the next PM's going to be like," mewed Larry with a shudder.

At press time, socialist firebrand and possible leadership contender Angela Rayner was parading outside Number Ten with a placard reading: "No mogs! No Starmers!"

Image from Gemini Google

Hat tip to Lucifer

I've been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Danny Soz
Apr 14

Following on from the furore surrounding Chancellor Rishi Sunak's wife's non-dom tax avoidance status, The Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told a newspaper that he's been a paid practitioner of a deviant sexual practice involving bondage and flagellation, colloquially referred to as submission/domination, or, sub/dom for short, without declaring his earnings to the Inland Revenue.

Speaking in The Sunday Times, Mogg, a devout Catholic, admitted: 'I've been involved in the sub/dom world pretty much since I left Eton forty or so years back.

'I think it's a public school thing, to be honest.

'We used to flog the younger boys regularly, and, on occasion, would get them to return the favour.

'I opened a sub/dom bawdy house in St James's after leaving school and ran the entire show for thirty years at a handsome profit without paying a penny in income tax.

'I now fully intend to recompense the exchequer for the full amount and shall be asking my mistress in Pimlico to flog me to the bone by way of penance.'

Rees-Mogg was reprimanded by the Government Chief Whip in nineteen ninety-seven for asking a female House of Commons staff member to beat him bloody with a barbed scourge in the ladies' toilets.