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Splinter Group "Just Stop Growth" threatens Truss with direct action protests

Writer: RichT
RichT
Oct 7

Hardcore splinter group "Just Stop Growth" has threatened the Conservative Government over its pro-growth strategy.


The group, an extremist offshoot of the Anti Growth Coalition that was pilloried by the Prime Minister during her speech has a shadowy membership. Made up of a few raving lefties - it includes the likes of Corbyn, Ed Milliband and Theresa May - they are now attracting a whole new breed of protestor with rumours that Rishi, Michael Gove and even Priti Patel are on board.


'We're going in direct, physical and determined,' commented an anonymous member, meeting our reporter at a clandestine pheasant-shooting weekender in Surrey. 'You're talking continual banging of desks - potentially hours - at the 1922 committee. Abstaining from the subsidized commons bars. There's going to be a really clear message, we just aren't sure what it is yet.'


Asked about the potential collaboration with the even more extreme "Shrink Britain" affiliate, who model themselves on the equally pointless Insulate Britain but with a focus on either the economy or shrink-wrap, (they haven't decided yet), the response was luke warm. 'We're going to have a debate on it, then a couple of votes. Something might come out of it, but I think we need to travel around a bit - perhaps the Bahamas - to really feel and understand this whole shrinkflation idea.'


One thing was clear though - whatever the action plan, if it meant sitting on the M25 in the cold with only sandwiches and a flask of coffee, this was outside their remit - 'While we are in on the principle, you have to draw the line somewhere. We'll leave that side of it to the poor people, said the spokesman, before getting a refill of the Chateau la fete 1945.


Story: RichT




First published 7 Oct 2022


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Sunak hoping for poll boost from Strictly performance

Writer: ModelMaker
ModelMaker
Sep 23


Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak is hoping to turn his fortunes around by appearing in the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas extravaganza.


His campaign team apparently had the idea that if he danced with Vasudhara, the six-armed Indian goddess, he would wow TV audiences around the world and gain the confidence to meet his counterparts on the world stage. But rehearsals with Vasudhara didn’t go as planned, as Sunak was inevitably undecided by which of Vasudhara’s hands to take during the fast-paced Pasodoble that was intended to be his pièce de résistance.


Vasudhara is said to have told the Strictly choreographer that she doubted Sunak would know which hand to wank with if the other was tied behind his back, as she pulled out of the show.


An alternative partner for Sunak has been found and the dance downgraded to a slow-paced, two-step waltz, which if Rishi can remember which foot to lead with, may allow the event to go ahead.



First published 23 Sep 2023


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Suella to sing in new leadership pitch

hokeyloki
Aug 30

NewsBiscuit has discovered a set of lyrics in an e-mail trail, after being sent an email from the Home Secretary’s official account (followed by a further message an hour later from her personal email account saying “D’oh, please ignore the previous message”).



It is believed that the lyrics (based on a 1974 Hues Corporation hit) are intended to be sung by Ms Braverman at the next Tory Party Conference in October. As this may be the final Tory Conference before the next General Election, this can be viewed as an important part of a potential leadership bid.




Stop the Boats (apologies to Wally Holmes)



Would you like to know how I’ll get promotion?

Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get promotion!



We’ll stop the boats

We’ll stop the boats, baby.

Stop the Boats

We’ll tip the boats over

Stop the Boats

They won’t get to Dover

Stop the Boats!



Ever since we got back into power,

We’ve hit the poor

Just like the rush of the wind.

And while we’ve kept the rich

Quite safe from austerity,

There’ll always be the threat

From Wokerati.


The Left is full of shit, like the ocean

We need speed and more awareness

To get true loco motion.


So, would you like to know how I’ll get devotion?

Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get devotion!



We’ll stop the boats

We’ll stop the boats, baby.

Stop the Boats

We’ll tip the boats over

Stop the Boats

And I’ll be in clover

Stop the Boats!


Till last year

We kept up in the polls

And we’ve always had the right-wing press

To fill the holes


But now we need a big distraction

From our sinking ship

Don't drift away

Let three words come from your sweet lips.



There’s lawyers full of shit, like the ocean

And Rwanda’s failed and even Bibby’s

Stuck in slow motion



Would you like to know how I’ll get promotion?

Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get promotion!



We’ll stop the boats

We’ll stop the boats, baby



[Etc., until you hear the music fade, or you get a “slitting throat” gesture from Greg at the back of the hall - which means “stop”, BTW]


A further suggested song based on the 1984 Mike Oldfield song Get to France (F*** off back to France) appears to have been rejected as “too modern” for the Conference audience, “without enough clap-along potential” and “containing a rude word”.


The Home Secretary has been approached for comment (via both email accounts)



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First published 30 Aug 2023


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