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Suella to sing in new leadership pitch


NewsBiscuit has discovered a set of lyrics in an e-mail trail, after being sent an email from the Home Secretary’s official account (followed by a further message an hour later from her personal email account saying “D’oh, please ignore the previous message”).



It is believed that the lyrics (based on a 1974 Hues Corporation hit) are intended to be sung by Ms Braverman at the next Tory Party Conference in October. As this may be the final Tory Conference before the next General Election, this can be viewed as an important part of a potential leadership bid.




Stop the Boats (apologies to Wally Holmes)



Would you like to know how I’ll get promotion?

Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get promotion!



We’ll stop the boats

We’ll stop the boats, baby.

Stop the Boats

We’ll tip the boats over

Stop the Boats

They won’t get to Dover

Stop the Boats!



Ever since we got back into power,

We’ve hit the poor

Just like the rush of the wind.

And while we’ve kept the rich

Quite safe from austerity,

There’ll always be the threat

From Wokerati.


The Left is full of shit, like the ocean

We need speed and more awareness

To get true loco motion.


So, would you like to know how I’ll get devotion?

Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get devotion!



We’ll stop the boats

We’ll stop the boats, baby.

Stop the Boats

We’ll tip the boats over

Stop the Boats

And I’ll be in clover

Stop the Boats!


Till last year

We kept up in the polls

And we’ve always had the right-wing press

To fill the holes


But now we need a big distraction

From our sinking ship

Don't drift away

Let three words come from your sweet lips.



There’s lawyers full of shit, like the ocean

And Rwanda’s failed and even Bibby’s

Stuck in slow motion



Would you like to know how I’ll get promotion?

Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get promotion!



We’ll stop the boats

We’ll stop the boats, baby



[Etc., until you hear the music fade, or you get a “slitting throat” gesture from Greg at the back of the hall - which means “stop”, BTW]


A further suggested song based on the 1984 Mike Oldfield song Get to France (F*** off back to France) appears to have been rejected as “too modern” for the Conference audience, “without enough clap-along potential” and “containing a rude word”.


The Home Secretary has been approached for comment (via both email accounts)



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First published 30 Aug 2023


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Next PM is responsible for Larry's cat litter tray, says Johnson


Another terrible smell is permeating through the corridors of power: Larry the Downing Street cat's overflowing litter tray.


Caretaker Prime Minister, part-time scarecrow and full time oxygen thief, Boris Johnson, is refusing to make a decision on emptying Larry's litter tray, saying that it is the responsibility of the next Tory Leader and he doesn't want to "step on any toes".


Sadly, he's been stepping on a lot more as there are now clumps all over the kitchen floor. Johnson admits that he could clean it up and replace the kitty litter, but that's not the point. 'It's not my role to clean up cat poo, mop floors and open windows,' he told reporters.


Candidates to be the UK's next worst Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss have agreed in principle to have a meeting about the situation but are both remaining tight-lipped about how to solve the issue before September's leadership vote.


A spokesperson for Sunak told us that £4 billion will be set aside to look into this issue and Liz Truss is claiming that it's probably some foreign cats who have been creeping in and crapping in the tray.


In the meantime, Larry has been using the flower beds in the gardens of Number 11.


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First published 12 Aug 2022


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Rishi Sunak admits robbing Peter to pay Paul


Because Paul is wealthy and more likely to vote Conservative in the long run, where as Peter is hard up, and only voted for the Tories to teach Jeremy Corbyn a lesson.


'Think of me as a sort of Reverse Robin Hood,' said the former Chancellor as he called his men to a the tavern on the leafy green, for a very agreeable Prosecco and some vol-au-vents.


He continued, 'I wish to be loved by the rich, feared by the poor, obviously not by Liz Truss, Jacob Rees Mogg and his cohort, though.'


The statement has been roundly condemned by the church, Friar Tuck, who prefers 'a good, honest pint, and a ploughman's lunch', slammed his flagon on the table clearly incandescent with rage..


'I actually hate both of them,' admitted the Sheriff of Nottingham, 'So keep me out of this.'



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First published 8 Aug 2022


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