top of page
Search

Liz Truss asks Labour on how to sabotage your own election



The Forde report has proven that Labour's right wing deliberately destroyed their chances of election victory, something Liz Truss has only managed to achieve by accident. An aide remarked: 'Labour officials worked tirelessly at sabotage, whereas our Liz only needs to stare vacantly at the camera, while she shouts something unintelligible about cheese.


'Ideally we'd like to be Machiavellian but Liz is barely Mac 'n' Cheese. Just by drawing breath, she can take 10% off your polling numbers - she's a one woman wrecking ball, with exactly the same density.


'She already has several campaign slogans; 'I'm with Stupid', 'Truss is Trust spelt wrong', 'Vote for Liz, she licks plugs', 'Idiocy is a Brexit Dividend', 'I eat crayons' and the tuneful 'Dumb dee dumb dumb!'.



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.



First published 22 Jul 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss find a fridge large enough for both egos



Following on from the success story that was Boris Johnson, the two people most likely to succeed him have borrowed his campaigning skills by hiding, presumably in a fridge. 'You can't blame me,' Mr Sunak is understood to have told someone who wasn't a TV interviewer, 'It's very hot outside, and hotter under scrutiny.' Ms Truss is believed to be very concerned about cheese and didn't actually know why she was there, anyway, which suggests business as usual.



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.



First published 21 Jul 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















Burnham to pack off deadbeat ex-PMs to Dunrulin



'We have had six PMs in the past 10 years, almost all of them useless, and they all of need to be consigned to the dustbin of history,' said a ruthless member of Andy Burnham's transition team.


'This is why we're converting an abandoned pig barn near Milton Keynes, naming it Dunrulin, and moving them in there with no right to leave. Then Andy can take over with the slate wiped clean.


'In Dunrulin there'll be the Bullingdon Room, where David Cameron and Boris Johnson can hurl bread rolls at waitresses endlessly, a droid repair lab for Theresa 'Maybot' May, and a walk-in fridge in which Keir 'Blancmange' Starmer can sit doing sweet FA, as usual. Rishi can stand under a running shower dressed in his Saville Row suit, repeatedly announcing elections.


'Every one of these PMs was useless, but all in their own sweet ways,' said the newly-appointed matron of Dunrulin, Hattie Jacques. 'That's why we will give them the most tender, loving care in their declining years.


'Apart from Liz 'Barmpot' Truss. The only place we can safely put her is the padded cell.'



Image credit: ChatGPT

bottom of page