KK - hey how you doing - get the friends reference Liz?
LT - yes Kwasi but not doing well hun
KK - what’s up hun
LT - you know you're my BAE? But it’s not you it’s me - I’m don’t know how to say this
KK - What
LT - I’m going to have to get a new Money man
KK - what do you mean
LT - It’s over Kwasi, can you give back the keys to number 11
KK - Please Liz, please don’t dump me - I’ve only just got back from New York to be specially by your side, I didn’t get a chance to do any Christmas shopping, visit the Friends building, hell I didn’t even get a chance to meet Tom Cruise at the IMF thingy you sent me to. All I got was boring economic talk. Please give me another chance. Pretty Pretty PLEASE.
LT - sorry it’s you or me, and this time it’s you and I’m seeing Jeremy now.
KK - Noooooooooooo
First published 19 Oct 2022
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'Russia's strike on a train which was reportedly meant to get Boris Johnson," said a spokes-Diesel Multiple Unit for the UK's rail companies, "has come as a wake up call to all us about the risks of carrying eminent former statesmen as passengers... and clowns like Boris.
'We are therefore suspending all passenger and freight services across the UK, with immediate effect, while we assess the possibility that Russia might be planning to strike trains carrying Sir Keir Starmer, Liz Truss, Theresa May or Harold MacMillan. Yep, the sleeper service carrying him from King's Cross to Inverness has still not arrived.
'Rail staff will be kept on full pay and high alert, playing cards in the canteen, until we have competed this exhaustive analysis and decided to get back to work again. There will be no refunds on tickets for cancelled services.
'As you probably noticed, we don't actually like running trains and incidents this like give us a perfect pretext not to bother.'
photo: newsbiscuit archive
Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here