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Conservatives to offer internships as Prime Minister


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'We got the idea from "Have I Got News For You?" ' said a spokesman. 'When Angus Deayton had to leave because of the, erm, cocaine allegations, they brought in guest presenters. We’ve been doing the same with our Prime Ministers.'


The Conservative Party’s plan is to allow the children of wealthy donors to each do a week as "Intern PM" .


'Oh, they’d run the country, much as Liz is doing now,' said the spokesman. 'It will look good on their CVs and the chances are the pound might rally a bit.'


Keir Starmer described the idea as ‘interesting’ and asked if there would be an age limit.



First published 9 Oct 2022


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'We need to let Truss have a go and see how she does' agrees never in better shape environment


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The general consensus is that Prime Minister Liz Truss - stop giggling at the back - should be allowed the time and the latitude to see how she does. There is simply no way to tell how someone will do in a senior role by examining how badly they performed in more junior roles. That's not a thing.


Pilots are always allowed to take control of passenger jetliners having crashed both training prop planes and somehow broken the simulator. You never know, they might get their third landing right. Or at least have a PR team explain why the cabin is a bit flamey, and insist that screaming and dying is perfectly normal on any flight.


She has clearly proven herself at the Environment Office, because our brown and pleasant land has never been in better shape. And since her time at the Foreign Office, other countries have earned a new respect for Britain which has manifested in unprecedented levels of pointing and laughing.


The Crown Prosecution Service are not all on indefinite strike due to extreme under-funding, they're out to give a warm welcome to their brilliant former Justice Secretary. And it is only because of her magnificent work in both International Trade and as Chief Secretary to the Treasury that the national economy is healthy and everyone is so well-off.


Anyway, by far the best thing to do is to install a prime minister who her own MPs generally don't want, who isn't Conservative voters' top choice, who voted against the Brexit she's now all for, who started her political career with another party, and who follows the fashion of forgetting their own name. Isn't that right, Mary Truss?




First published 9 Sep 2022


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Crew of the Titanic right not to issue life saving equipment to drowning passengers


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“We don’t want to give them hopes of surviving the icy cold conditions,'' said a spokesperson for The White Star Line. They went on to defended the wait for policy announcements, saying, "it was right that whoever got the top job, after the Captain locked himself in the wheelhouse, would want to look at all of the options, properly costed" when they take charge.


"They will do more - you don't have long to wait," Tom the Cabin Boy told BBC Radio Four's Today programme, while slipping into a low cut evening gown and announcing, "Women and children first!” through a loud hailer. "It is clear that this will be absolutely at the top of their in tray," he went on, as he snatched a cork Life Preserver from a passing child.


The Ship's Pursers added“The company has already said that any passengers who drown will get a full refund on their tickets. Providing they present them to the New York Office, in person, with proof of death. Third Class and Steerage passengers will also receive a free pencil.


"Second Class Passengers are also likely to need with keeping afloat, but they should try using thicker pyjamas to form makeshift lifebelts as they learned in school”, the Purser also explained. "All the lifeboats are taken up by First Class Passengers and company representatives, who will also benefit from any life saving equipment available". He said the company was exploring "all the options" to help those people.


Both Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak, one of whom will be announced as the next Captain on 5 September, have pledged further support, though neither has given details. Until that time they have busied themselves rearranging the deck chairs


Speaking via the Telegraph, the Radio Operator said “Dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot!!!|”


Photo by NOAA on Unsplash


First published 29 Aug 2022



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