Rees-Mogg: "There's no connection between Storm Eunice and trees being on the blown over"

Jacob Rees-Mogg has said that the large number of trees lying on their sides after having been upright the previous day has nothing to do with Storm Eunice. "Many benefits will flow from Eunice", said Mr Rees-Mogg, "and businesses should embrace the opportunities. Only this morning, I met a shopkeeper whose shop window now is mysteriously missing. I was able to explain that this will allow more customers to enter the shop. When I asked if that explained all the empty shelves, he gave me a rather unpleasant stare which I took for gratitude."

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More high jinks from Aeolus and Eunice expected

'Unspired' - residents of Wells living in fear of more events from the film Hot Fuzz occurring

Video footage of a church spire being toppled has left the residents of Wells in a state of extreme panic. In the 2007 film classic Hot Fuzz, a church spire is toppled, its pointy bit falling straight through the top of local news reporter Tim Messenger's head, crushing him in one of the film world's most gruesome deaths ever depicted. In a staggering coincidence, the fictional town of Sandford - where most of the events of the movie take place - was filmed in Wells.

The good people of the smallest city in England are petrified that further events from the film may now occur. The only resident still able to speak, Lou Stringer, said, 'The NWA are somewhat unsettled as only yesterday a swan went missing, and last week a living statue was slagged off. We are now bracing for the destruction of a supermarket, a gunfight in the city square, and crusty jugglers.'

Local police are understood to be too busy to investigate reports of a fascist being checked in to a hotel by a hag, as they are currently gobbling down a large tub of Chunky Monkey and three Cornettos.

Cate Blanchett commented, but only to say, 'I'm not Janine.'

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