Teacher finally concludes whose time was wasted

Brendan Leach, a school maths teacher for twenty-three years has finally worked out that, actually, it was his own time he'd been wasting.

'Teacher training consisted of three years learning when it was appropriate to touch a student - never - and to learn parrot-fashion how to conclude "it's your time you're wasting". There was a bit about Pythagoras, decimal multiplication and fractions, but nothing about the real tools for teaching, such as the "spoon of learning",' he said today.

'The "spoon of learning" is the only way to achieve grade A* results that allow the school to keep its funding and teachers their sanity,' he added. He demonstrated by pulling a spoon out of his tweed jacket's top pocket and inserting it in your reporter's mouth. 'That traditionally is how you get a C,' he said. Holding the spoon away from the reporter he added, 'and if you wanted to get a B, in the old days, students would have to walk towards the spoon, do some of the work'. Popping the spoon in his top pocket he declared that in a 'fair and just society, those who wanted an A grade would bring their own spoon'.

'But today they don't need their own spoon, don't need to walk towards yours and if the teacher doesn't ram it down their little gullets he or she gets the sack,' he said. 'So, they can waste all the time they like, and still end up with qualifications that would have been unbelievable twenty years ago and could get any high-flying job they fancied as long as they had the gift of the gab and friends in the right places' he added.

Eton School was unavailable for comment.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/steveriot1-6715269/

Forst published 27 Nov 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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EU offers to take all UK under-30s off our hands

In a generous offer that marks the end of the post-Brexit breakdown of relations, the EU has offered to take off our hands all the productive young people in the UK who have any sort of initiative about them. Any person under 30, if they can find a job or a course in the EU, will be allowed visa-free travel to participating EU states for four years. The visa will then be converted into permanent residence if they prove useful enough to earn a moderate salary. We can have back the useless, lazy ones.

Older generations of UK citizens, many of whom voted for Brexit, will not be allowed to take up this offer. They will be left in a country with a shortage of young people and increasing healthcare costs. Rather cleverly then, the EU's long-term plan to centralise economic activity on the mainland will be achieved despite Brexit.

Pretending, with a straight face, that this is a benefit to the UK, the EU is proposing that we repay their generosity by educating their students at subsidised rates. EU students who struggle to get places on the mainland will be encouraged to move to this damp and windy island to take up university courses at UK taxpayers expense. This will serve to boost our vital university sector, which by itself makes the whole plan an excellent idea and likely to go through on the nod.