Local woman urges immediate publication of full Sue Gray report to end the bad jokes

Sandra Robinson has launched a campaign to force the Metropolitan Police to drop its objections to the full Sue Gray report so that the government can publish it in full immediately, in order to “draw a line under and move on from the constant slew of bad jokes”.

“In fact, that isn’t quite fair,” she told reporters. “It isn’t ‘jokes’ plural, it is the one, same bloody joke over and over again – whenever you ask anybody to do something or for their opinion, they respond with something along the lines of not being able to comment until the Sue Gray report is published. I’ve had it up to here with it.”

It began at work, Sandra explained, when an email was sent to a group working on a project asking for their views on a new suggestion. One wag responded that they weren’t prepared to comment until the Sue Gray report was published.

“That first time it was mildly amusing,” Sandra said. “But, now somebody at work will say it to any and every question. Some people are still laughing, but for me joke worn thin almost immediately. I mean, at least try to be original!”

More worryingly, it has now spread to the home, with Sandra’s husband refusing to unload the dishwasher “until the Sue Gray report is published in full”. Even her seven-year-old son repeated the line when she asked him to tidy his room.

“From somebody that young, it might seem quite clever to say that – but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me and made me start this campaign.”

When asked if she was worried that her colleagues would simply replace this “joke” with one about having to wait for the Metropolitan Police to conclude their inquiries, Sandra replied: “Not really, not with the ongoing unfortunate misunderstanding with Neville in accounts, the intern and the Zoom camera.”

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Greased pig outlines his two-pronged wheeze for wriggling free

Loud snorts of conceited laughter were heard through the windows of the cabinet room in Downing Street last night as the Number One greased pig of British politics described how he has managed to squirm out of trouble yet again.

"Everyone thought Bozza was for the jolly old knacker's yard," said the swine, "but just when they thought they had me in their clutches, I've wriggled free and saved my bacon."

To admiring squeals from the rest of his herd, the greased pig continued: "It was really so simple. When we were all caught partying throughout lockdown, with our snouts in the trough, I immediately submitted to an utterly rigorous, no holds barred inquiry by the fearsome Sue Gray.

"Then, just as she was about to publish her report, I phoned up that gullible old sow Cressida Dick at the Met and said: 'please immediately start an utterly rigorous, no holds barred criminal investigation.'

"The result is that the police have put the kibosh on Sue Gray saying anything remotely interesting, for fear that it might compromise a future trial. Then in three months' time, when all the fuss had died down, I'll get Dick to announce that the police have found no grounds to prosecute. And, hey presto! Good old Bozza will have landed on his trotters again, just like he always does.

"Now, who wants to try my patent pig grease? Form an orderly queue and I'll smear it on your bloated hides. You first, Priti. Then you, Nadine."

Image: Pixabay/yairventuraf

That Sue Gray report in full (Met Police mix)

On some dates in/around/near Downing Street some people may or may not have met in gatherings greater than guidance may or may not have suggested/mandated and who may or may not have been working/drinking/singing.

The Civil Service thanks all for being forthright and will publish the remaining parts that may or may not be subject to police actions promptly on or before February 1, 2054

signed (redacted)

pp Sue Gray

Image: Pixabay/jorisamonen