The supermarkets warned: 'The safest way to avoid the risk of future fire, is to set fire to them now. You can't really dispose of something that is disposable, without fulfilling its basic function. You could keep it, to thwart the disposable bit, but then you're stuck with it. And given the unseasonably hot weather, it would be a shame not to throw a couple of burgers on top'.
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Shops up and down Britain are clearing their empty shelves to make space for goods they won't get from the EU.
"It's been a busy time", said a sweating Ron Jenkins who runs a supermarket in Clacton. "For the last year I've had shelves full of nothing because we didn't get any deliveries, now I've got to clear the shelves where I would keep bread, if I had any and make space for anything that comes from the EU."
Michael Gove explained how Brexit was solving the driver shortage; "If you can't get goods from the EU, then not having drivers to deliver them won't be a problem - it's beautiful how these problems solve themselves."
A customer was left distraught after trying to complete their weekly grocery shop in a discount retailer instead of their usual supermarket due to the hordes of people waiting to fill up their cars. Mrs Hart decided that, rather than wait patiently in the queue to get into Sainsbury’s, she would shop in Lidl in order to give herself enough time to get to her pilates class later that morning. She now regrets that decision.
‘Before going in, I tried to make myself look working class by putting on the hi-vis waistcoat that I always carry in my Yaris in case of a breakdown’, explained Mrs Hart. ‘But I stood out a mile amongst all the horrid women in leggings that really shouldn’t be wearing leggings with their figures’.
Even accepting that she would probably be unable to get her usual superfood salads and kale-flavoured couscous, Mrs Hart was nevertheless disappointed that she was unable to discuss the relative merits of Iberico ham and prosciutto di Parma with the deli counter staff, primarily because there wasn’t a deli counter.
‘I saved quite a lot of money compared to my usual household bill but only because I couldn’t lower myself to buying pies instead of chicken and ham en croute, or pasta in tomato sauce instead of penne con pomodoro e basilico’, said Mrs Hart. ‘Some people might think they’re the same thing but my usual food emporium assures me that I’d be able to taste the difference’.
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