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The Prime Minister has accepted that paying to increase the local electricity infrastructure for his personal swimming pool in his constituency home at a time when swimming pools up and down the country are being closed due to lack of funds might be deemed inappropriate and, well, perhaps a little insensitive.
'The Prime Minister did pay for everything himself, and used local immigrants to build the swimming pool,' argued a spokesman today,' but in the event he feels that he's in a no-win situation. It's not like the Prime Minister can expect to use the local swimming baths for his morning swim flanked by armed bodyguards with waterproof Glocks strapped to their legs, even if it was actually open, can he?' he asked.
But the news that a Devon swimming pool has successfully managed to heat itself using the waste heat from a washing machine-sized server has inspired the Prime Minister to do away with using the local electricity grid and to use the waste heat from the GCHQ servers, turning the story into a green success story instead..
'It's not as though this heat is being used for anything else, so the public will be pleased that it is being used, and the minor two year delay to HS2 while the contractors focus on digging a cable trench from Cheltenham to Richmond is a fair price for the country to pay,' the spokesman said.
Chancellor Rishi Sunak has assured worried parents of hungry children that their bedtime tears will not be shed in vain. A Treasury spokesman explained: ‘When children go to bed hungry it inevitably ends in tears, what child wouldn’t cry if it hadn’t eaten a proper meal for over 24 hours. But what better way could there be than to put those hunger tears to good use, then topping up the Chancellor's pool?
'And with the proposed £20 cut in benefits we will undoubtedly see even more tears in future. We've also asset stripped the companies their parents used to work for, so it’s a huge saving for the tax-payer, and Mr. Sunak's water bill.
'So, if parents will simply gather their children’s tears in a bottle and send to RISHI'S POOL, Kirby Sigston Manor, Northallerton, second class post will be adequate. First class post would be 85p and that’s probably all you have to spend each day on food for the kiddies, we might be many things but we're not monsters.
'I know lots of parents will be shedding tears too, but please, can you keep it to just your children's tears, apparently the fatty oils contained in a child's teardrop are good for your skin'.
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