There was restrained, almost apologetic jubilation at Team GB headquarters last night as Keir Starmer secured gold in the newly created Olympic discipline, Skating on Thin Ice.
The course itself was a triumph of modern hazard management, featuring a crevasse filled with snowflake WASPI women, a regiment of frozen pensioners, a slalom of compulsory U-turns, an avalanche of meaningless apologies and a lake of ice so thin it was last seen hosting a Labour policy announcement.
Starmer, dressed in his trademark figure-hugging grey aerodynamic suit, grey tie, grey hi-vis vest and grey helmet, employed what commentators described as the “Dull Lawyer’s Glide”, a textbook move straight out the choreography textbook.
Extra points were awarded for technical difficulty after Starmer simultaneously committed to crossing the lake, ruled it out, reintroduced it as a possibility and then insisted he had already crossed it several times in principle.
Bob Sleigh, Head of Team GB Pointless Sports, praised the performance. “With a modicum of skill, a dearth of talent and the personality of a broken office thermostat, Keir has shown that you really can avoid political death and cling to survival by your fingernails.”
Starmer thanked the crowd, apologised for winning, apologised again for the apology, and commissioned a review into whether gold medals were still appropriate in the current climate.
image by Grok