Trump declares war on terrier groups across the world

'After capturing Venezuela's chief narco-terrierist and indicting him in the States,' said an increasingly deranged Donald Trump, stroking a Russian Putin cat at his desk in the Oval Office, 'I'm serving notice on the rest of the world's terrier groups that I'll be coming after them, as well.

'They tell me there are a bunch of terreierists over there in Britain, in Yorkshire and Staffordshire and Airedale, so we'll be sending in Delta Force to take over those places.

'And I'm hearing all the time now about Maltese terrierists, so we better do a regime change in Maltesa - as soon as my generals can find that on a map.

'And the CIA is still looking for a place called Pitbull. It sounds familiar.

'What I really want is for there to some terrier groups in Greenland, because I'd sure like an excuse to invade that place.

'That's why I'm ordering the American Kennel Club to breed up some genuine Greeland terrierists immediately.

'Sleepy Joe knew all about these foreign terrier groups, but he never went after them,' the president continued to rant.

'But that's because he wasn't barking.'

Image: Lydia Tan (@purplelydia) | Unsplash Photo Community

Netanyahu tells Australia it's all their fault

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Old lady arrested for calling her cat Palestine Action

"We are taking into custody one Ena Sharples, 73 years old, of Arnos Grove," WPC Merkava of Hampshire Police told reporters outside the woman's Portsmouth home, "on suspicion of having a cat called Palestine Action.

"Neighbours told us she renamed the animal in August and since then has been coming out of her house with a handful of Dreamies every day and shouting 'Palestine Action!' repeatedly, up and down the street.

"You don't get round the Anti-terrorism Act that easily. Besides, we on the force think Palestine Action is a stupid name for a cat.

"We are also confiscating Ms Sharples' goldfish, Shining Path, and three white mice which she says are the Baader-Meinhof Red Army Faction. I honestly believe this old lady has a screw loose.

"People should give their pets law-abiding, inoffensive names," WPC Merkava continued, as a Hampshire Police SWAT team battered down Ena Sharples' front door.

"For example, I have two rottweilers called Mossad and IDF."

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