Chipping Norton Massive to become proscribed organisation

The feared Chipping Norton Massive has been declared a proscribed organisation after ‘dancing aggressively’ in the general direction of JD Vance. In a separate incident, described by Government sources as ‘truly appalling’, the Vance party’s reservation at a posh pub in the Cotswolds was cancelled after staff refused to serve him because he’s a bell-end with a 23 car motorcade.

Several protestors – listed by the FBI as “Cotswolds’ Most Wanted” – waved placards containing ‘hurtful’ images of Vance as a balding fatty.

‘No public house should refuse service on grounds of bell-endery’, a Government spokesman said. ‘And hurtful images are a clear breach of, erm, the Terrorism Act. The UK and US share a Special Relationship and the Chipping Norton Massive appear to have forgotten which partner in this relationship uses the lube’.

We asked the Chipping Norton Massive for a statement but they were busy preparing for the Best Kept Village contest. 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Let's turn that ballsocks round the right way, shall we?

St Winifred's School Choir declared a terrorist organisation

In a move widely thought mentally doubtful, the UK government has declared St Winifred's School Choir a terrorist organisation, for refusing to sing 'Ode to Netanyahu'. Anyone suspected of thinking of attending gatherings, or showing any form of support for the choir faces arrest, standard beatings, a fine of $10 million, and an automatic life sentence without judge or jury.

Missing the bigger picture and questioning why the fine is in US Dollars, a right-wing impartial news broadcaster was informed that it was because that is the standard currency for supplying black market weapons to Israel.

In another ruling, 'Sh*t Your F**cking B*tch Up', a far-right potty-mouthed rap song by the group M*therf**cking C**nts, known to incite hate and violence, has been declared compulsory curriculum learning at nursery schools under the Freedom of Expression Act.

Asking why they had to sing the rap every morning, Oliver (aged 3) was informed by a Downing Street spokesperson stepping out of the crayon cupboard, 'Because we were told to - by a lobbyist for the crazy rich under the government's super-secret but patently obvious cash-for-batshit-policies scheme.'

Picture credit: Wix AI