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Surreal Madras boycotted Ballon D’Or over Tesco Dave snub

Somerset Sunday League team Surreal Madras FC have admitted that they didn’t attend the Ballon D’Or celebrations in Paris because they felt that their captain and midfield enforcer Tesco Dave was overlooked for the main award.


Supermarket worker Dave Stone was beaten to the award by Manchester City’s Rodri, demonstrating a ‘lack of respect for this country’s best Sunday morning footballer’ according to Surreal Madras FC representatives. ‘Tesco was brilliant for us all season, and only got sent off once which was for sarcasm after asking a bespectacled ref if there was any point in him wearing glasses’.


Surreal Madras boss Steve ‘Nutter’ Chester was similarly unsuccessful in the manager category, although he did get more votes than Erik ten Hag.




Starmer refuses to back down from speech gaffe and forms Sausage Rescue Force

After calling for the return of sausages held captive in Gaza, the Labour leader has doubled down and formed a rapid response meat tube recovery task force. To be based in Cumberland or Lincolnshire this team will be formed from well-seasoned veterans, probably thyme and sage.


They will be Tesco’s Finest, this is not just a Sausage Rescue Force, this is an….well anyway. This group will be an Asda Extra Special Air Fryer Service and can be ready in 15 minutes under a medium grill.


They will only be deployed under a wurst case scenario, going in with flash bangers and mashing the enemy.


image from pixabay

Builder, Colin, has hopes of quick Tesco transaction dashed


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Construction Site Manager Colin Mappin who was in the queue behind OAP Doris Wilkes (75) at Tesco Redditch said: 'My spirits hit the floor as Doris and her tartan wheelie managed to get to the till in front of me. I thought, here we go, by the time she's counted out the odd seventy-seven pence and used at least fifteen money-off vouchers my lunch break's going to be over. So imagine my surprise when she just whipped out her bank card nice as you like and paid within seconds.'


But just when Colin thought he was home and dry disaster struck. 'She knew the lady on the till, a third cousin of her late husband's uncle, and subsequently Doris engaged her in a ten-minute conversation about how "Bert had to have a bag fitted" and "Alice was found dead in her flat after having lain there undiscovered for three days".'


A starving Colin later confirmed: 'In the end I had to put my stuff back on the shelves as I had a meeting scheduled at two.'


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