Russian war-crimes "investigated by the wrong ICC"

A leading British news organisation has revealed that information about Russian war crimes in Ukraine has erroneously been forwarded to the International Cricket Council.

The initial investigation carried out by the Rules Committee lambasted both sides for the lack of an umpire, poorly marked and maintained wicket and out-field, and the deplorable lapse in approved Test attire. However, they have been highly complimentary about the running between creases and some of the fielding.

In a similar vein, footage of the recent Winter Tour has been handed over to the International Criminal Court for analysis, which has confirmed it to be both "International and Criminal". As a result, certain members of the England squad have been arrested and transferred to Den Haag to stand trial, with the Court also ordering the seizure of MCC assets for promoting such "cruel and barbaric practices".

When approached to comment on this story, a spokesman for the British Box Company tersely replied, "For fuck's sake - not again !" and slammed down the phone.

https://pixabay.com/photos/cricket-stumps-ball-sport-match-724616/

Cricket tour Down Under goes into 15th year

A cricket tour of Australia by a school team first XI from Guildford has entered its 15th year. Due to the achingly slow pace of the sport and the length of matches, there was always a danger that a team somewhere might try and see a tour through to completion.

Head of Tedious Sports at the Royal Grammar School, Jeremy Thwaite said, 'We set out with good and proper intentions. When the first innings of the first match went into its second month, I told the boys to suck it up and see it through. Our strict training programmes at the RGS Guildford prepare boys for long days eating cucumber sandwiches in the pavilion while waiting to bat, and the endless hours of standing around not doing very much on cricket pitches when fielding.

'Unfortunately, the middle three matches of the five-match tour have been declared void as all of the boys were over age by then. But I have had great pleasure watching these boys grow into men. They have, of course, missed the opportunity to receive a tertiary education, begin careers, find partners and start families, but they will always be able to say that they saw this pointless exercise of bat wafting through to its conclusion. Which is, of course, much more important and rewarding than living any other sort of life.

'We're in the final innings of the fifth match now, so we are looking forward to returning home some time in 2036.'

Image: Auk002/Pixabay

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