In recognition of the fact that the north isn't the only neglected wasteland in the country, Andy Burnham has announced plans to open "No 10 Slough".
The new office, conveniently situated near a grim 1960s multi-storey car park, is thought to have formerly belonged to a paper manufacturer that went bust due to mismanagement. Burnham said that he wanted to be a friend to the staff more than a boss, and especially to make them laugh, saying his heroes weren't Labour Party titans like Nye Bevan or Clement Attlee, they were "Everett, Milligan, Cleese... Sessions."
However, his attempt to ingratiate himself with the staff with comedy fell flat, as it relied heavily on offensive stereotypes and impressions of people they'd never met. His failure was all the more galling when compared with the effortless popularity of office manager Neil Godwin, leading to a dance-off between the two which those who saw it say they will never forget.
A shamefaced Burnham now plans to return to the office as rarely as possible, and always with his dog. He promised not to get involved in the running of the place, only asking "Who does yer tampons?"
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