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Weevil stalker and pretend prime minister, Rishi Sunak, has assured workers at some random factory that the country and the economy are safe in his hands.
Speaking to a glum looking set of hi-vis clad helmets preselected not to blurt out 'f*ck off Sunak' involuntarily, this group of people aren't actually his own shambles of a Cabinet this morning, but apart from having original thoughts they could be. Leaving every last one of them not reassured, he has deftly avoided convincing anyone he is working so very hard by having some handmaid take his jacket, roll up his shirtsleeves and tuck his tie in for him. The only thing the nation can count on is another sodding video of him self-aggrandising about his million pound trousers, which appear to have some weird phobia of his shins.
The 1,000th online clip of him once again telling you how rich and brilliant he is and that he has only broken fifteen laws he'll have you pay the fines for, the tight arsed minge nugget. Did he really just say 'sad face' while tilting his head and pouting? Maybe that alone will help out of crippling poverty his working class friends he denies having met?
A catastrophic cost of living crisis caused primarily by some previous-but-one chancellor of the exchequer bleating on about austerity for those who aren't fabulously wealthy is now downgraded to the 80th thing on his not-bothering-with-that list, while he selects another cringeworthy pose the kidz will admire. The repetition of 'Cookie Monster bad, me good' while forcing another unendearing toothy grimace must surely be the only thing that actually needs doing to fix this diabolical situation, righ' yeah?
Unsuspecting 57-year-old John Thompson was coerced into participating in a humiliating TikTok trend by his contemporary colleagues.
The senior analyst, who has been a steadfast presence at GlobalTech Solutions for fifteen years, was on his way to the breakroom when he was cornered by the 23-year-old head of media marketing. In an ill-conceived attempt to remain relevant, the fervent youth insisted that John forfeit all dignity and gyrate for the camera to "Supalonely" by Beree, a song that was trending three years ago.
Before he could defend himself, a smartphone was thrust into his face, along with instruction to dance.
"She just kept saying it, over and over again," a trauma-stunned John recounts. "Dance, John, dance for the company. Like I was a harem-girl appeasing a randy sultan. When it was over she assured me that I'd done the right thing. Before I knew it, I had gone viral."
"You just don't think this will happen to someone like John," colleague Stan Charles said. "You'd think they'd go after someone in marketing, maybe sales, but John is the most unassuming of us all. If he isn't safe, no-one is."
"It's sick," fellow analyst Jane Whitfield tells us. "They had their pick of zealous young employees but they targeted John, the weakest of the herd. It's as if they enjoyed his lack of experience, his naivety. They got off on him being so clueless."
John's story serves as a stark reminder of the exploitation of mature employees in the pursuit of shares and likes. A spokesperson from STOPageism had this to say:
"Those watching may think these trends are harmless, cringeworthy fun, but I urge them to think of the person behind the camera. These are innocent people who have been reduced to whipping and nae-naeing buffoons. The next time you laugh at a middle-aged man in corporate dress trying to throw it back, think twice about whether this is what he really wants. It's highly likely that he was coerced. When you're sharing these videos, you're sharing footage of the most degrading and dehumanizing moments of this person's life."
image from pixabay
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