National Service to be privatised

Rishi Sunak's pledge to bring back national service, includes selling teenagers to the highest bidder. For £12.50 you can rent a kid to fight your war or mow your lawn. This will give them valuable lessons in community and indentured servitude. Said a spokesman: 'It's about kids giving something back and share holders taking a little something out.

 'We can't trust the public sector to deliver public sector services. Kids need to be outsourced. And if Southern Water can run a tap, they can run a teenage fire service - just don't expect the water to be clean.

'18 year olds will be taught to serve. To serve drinks and hors d'oeuvres mainly.'

Asked he thought MPs should also make an effort to serve the nation, he just laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

Picture credit: Wix AI

10 Reasons to vote Conservative – Number 4 will shock you!

1) Diversity in Prime Ministers, don’t just vote for Another-White-Man, we have incompetent leaders of different genders and races

2) Experience in Prime Ministers, we have had five different Prime Ministers within the last 8 years and Labour haven’t had one since 2010, that’s the “I Got a Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas time period

3) Responsibility – the decent British mentality of if you broke it, you fix it. We wouldn’t want to leave all the problems we caused for someone else to clean up.

4) If you don’t, we will kill a puppy every hour, on the hour

5) You fear change. Change is bad and scary, stick with what you know, unless what you know is a union of European countries.

6) Blue Passports – You’re welcome

7) Trade deal with Peru – can’t you feel the sovereignty?

8) Availability of Food Banks – so many new ones are opening all the time

9) An aim to reduce some of the faecal matter in some of the waterways – achievable goals!

10) New Hospitals! New School Roofs! Dental care! We want them too and have already got private versions. None for you. Soz.

Image: chathuraanuradha - Pixabay

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Liz Truss wins worst memoir of the year, pipping Fifty Shades of Grayling

The worst 'look at me and what I did' book of the year awards have been held in the burnt out shell which was once your nearest hospital. Here are the unreadable straight-to-pulp car crashes government ministers shat out instead of attempting to run a country.

Liz Truss - The Tip of The Iceberg Lettuces

Chris Whatsmename - Fifty Shades of Grayling

Rishi Sunak - The Big Short Trousers (featuring Rishi Longstockings)

David Cameron - First Past the Hogroast

Boris Johnson - Identitty

Michael Gove - Lord Nose (A Snort Story)

Jeremy H Unt - The English Patients Still Waiting (reprinted by the Foodbank of England)

Suella Braverman - A Wish Called Rwanda

Priti Patel - Catch 22 (Asylum Seekers)

Theresa May - Wheatfield of Dreams

Grant Shapps - Me, Myself and Corinne Stockheath (ghost written by Sebastian Fox, forward by Michael Green)

Jacob Rees-Mogg - Stranger Offshores (Eton, Pray, Gov)

Nadine Dorries - Murder in the Deviant Express

Nadim Zahawi - Yougov in the Time of Cholera (HMRC £3 million tax evasion prosecution still pending)

Kwasi Kwarteng - The Day of the Jack All

Penny Mordaunt - The Thatcher in the Eye

Dominic Raab - The Romanians of the Daaaaaay

Thérèse Coffey - War and Piss

Matt Hancock - The Wrong Kiss Goodnight

Image: analogicus - Pixabay

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