Tories to bring back rationing

The Tories announced today that, if re-elected, they would bring back rationing.

”It’s not that the country’s particularly short of food, though we’re working on that too,” said an unnamed cabinet minister today. “We just feel there’s not enough hardship these days. People have become too complacent, assuming they can just help themselves to as much as they like from the supermarket, or rather food bank.”

The move is part of a grand strategy of returning to wartime conditions, which will include the reintroduction of national service, Radio 4 to go back to being called the Home Service with all announcers wearing dinner jackets, “and nothing but the Andrews Sisters and Glenn Miller to be played on… what’s that new music station called? Oh yes, Radio 3.

“We may even require people to spend the night in the nearest bomb shelter whenever a siren sounds. Of course, there won’t actually be bombs… unless of course we find the public aren’t doing as they’re told, in which case all bets are off.

“I know it sounds bizarre, but most Tory voters remember the war as a wonderful time in their lives. This is probably our last chance to get a vote out of most of them before we have to bite the bullet and modernise our policies. I might even have to drop my opposition to decimalisation.”

Hearing of the proposed changes, the BBC announced that from now on it would broadcast the Tory conference with a warning that it “may contain language which, although authentic to the period, modern viewers may find offensive”.

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Tories promise to allow pensioners to 'thwack the young with sticks'

A new Conservative Party election promise will make it legal, maybe even compulsory, for old people to thwack young people with sticks. Should the young person resist, they will be jailed indefinitely and their vote transferred to the pensioner whose attack was illegally thwarted.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers salivated 'It's the only language they understand. Maybe we can beat the hope out of them. Once they've abandoned hope, they can enter here - Tory Britain that is.'

Pensioner Ian Ingram shouted 'The Tories promised me eternal youth, so I'll vote for them.'

Teenager Oscar Oldroyd said 'Public services are grinding to a halt, I'll never be able to afford a house and there are rivers of actual turds. You want to hit me with a literal stick as well? Fire away, Grandad. Fire away.'

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Sunak to gift every Tory voter £2,000,000 in the election

In what's being seen by many commentators as an uncosted promise, PM Rishi Sunak will announce during a keynote speech guaranteed £2,000,000 single payments to everyone in the country who votes for a Tory Party candidate in the coming general election.

The upbeat, almost-billionaire, was quick to dismiss naysayers who slammed the idea a risible gimmick smacking of desperation, with the writing now clearly on the wall for his cabinet of out of touch spivs and chancers.

'Not at all,' he told a puzzled Naga Munchetty. 'This landmark bribe... err... award, I mean, is long overdue and sits firmly alongside our key back of a fag packet twin pledges to bring back National Service and the subtle-as-a brick-in-the-face-but-better-late-than-never attempt to buy off our pensioners.

'What we're naming our 'plus two million' initiative, is a great deal for the country. It's being funded from the weekly £350 million we used to give to foreigners in the EU. Now, after eight years we have a pot of £144 billion to play with. It's another Brexit win. Rule Britannia. Oh, and maybe with a bit of luck with the bunce we might even get round to fixing some potholes.'

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