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Tories accused of dithering over Boris




Conservative MPs have belatedly embraced the concept of social distancing, but only as far as the Prime Minister is concerned. 'I don't want to catch what he has,' pointed out one Conservative MP, 'I've a narrow majority to retain in two years' time.'


Many MPs want to see the back of Boris Johnson but are afraid of getting too close to sticking the knife in. 'You don't know where he's been,' suggested one MP. Another wore a mask, but only in the hope of not being recognised. 'As soon as we can get back to doing what we want with impunity, the better,' he said.



First published 21 Dec 2021



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Guardian decides identity politics not such a good idea after all



The election of Kemi Badenoch as Tory leader has led leftwing firebrand newspaper the Guardian to conclude that maybe identity politics isn’t such a good idea after all.


”For years, our position has been not to judge issues on their merits, but to automatically take the side of any minority group involved. Except on gender, where we assume the majority (women) must be in the right.


”Obviously that’s not ideal when the Tories have a black female leader, almost certainly facing a white male Labour leader at the next election.


”Fortunately we have an out, which we call the “Uncle Tom” or “coconut” clause, which applies when an ethnic minority doesn’t believe or act as we think they should. Basically, we’re arguing that by being successful, the person has essentially become white. Which is in no way racist on our part. I think.”


The spokesman went on to say that the Guardian would have no problem having a black editor, as the only criterion has always been that they should live within five minutes' walk of Hampstead Heath.




Opposition more effective with 8 ft inflatable middle finger leading Tories

The Conservative Membership have rejected the cream of dismal incompetents on offer to lead their Party in favour of a large, inflatable middle digit.


'This will say all we need to say,' explained Marjory Pitchfork, 73, and leader of the Young Conservatives. 'During the harridan Rachel Reeves' Budget speech, we employed the services of the loudest, clankiest old diesel generator to drown her out while our Middle Finger Of Glory slowly inflated.


'It sends out a clear message to this disastrous Labour government and the entire country that we are to be taken seriously. The Finger will represent our thinking on all matters of national importance in the House of Commons, and will stand with pre-inflated pride during PMQs, on BBC Question Time, and when delivering speeches at Party Conference. Hail to our new and Glorious Master, who will lead us into the next general election and become our beloved prime minister.'


'I might have found it distracting,' responded Chancellor Rachel Reeves, 'but they ordered an inflatable thumb instead of a middle finger.


'I'll take that.'


The Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer added, 'Once they recognised their error, they did replace the thumb with a middle finger. Thus far, however, I have not been intimidated. That is largely because they keep inflating it the wrong way round.


'Ed Miliband finds it quite arousing, actually.'




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