Following the cancellation of the flight to deport asylum seekers to Rwanda, the government has decided to fill the newly created seats with other victims. 'We had budgeted for 322 seats including four in the landing gear and twelve in the baggage hold, but we now have lots of spaces', a government spokesman today.
'So we are going to fill the aircraft with other victims. Victims of marital violence will fill the front third of the plane, but without their children, obviously because that would be cruel. We're betting the abusers will really feel punished by that.
'And surviving victims of drink/drive and/or road rage will be filling the middle third, but not the emergency exit seats if they're still in plaster. That'll stop people drink-driving if there's no-one stupid enough left to walk on pavements at two in the afternoon, eh?
'The final third of the seats will be filled with members of the British public who have been victims of this government.
'We're actually expecting to have to put quite a few more flights on just for them,' he added.
- stewartbarclay
- Jun 14, 2022
BoJo has made approximately 148 new policy announcements, one of each of the Tory MPs who think he's unfit for office. An early draft of the so-called 'benefits-to-bricks' scheme would have seen benefit claimants paid directly in bricks and then invited to build their own house.
Labour spokeswoman Jodie Johnstone said 'House prices are spiralling upwards and the Tories have made sure that benefits are spiralling downwards. You'd need to be in an Escher painting to make that work.'
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'If you throw enough shit at the wall, some of it can be used to stick together the bricks you were given. Anyway it's not as though lending vast quantities of money to people who can't afford to pay it back has ever ended in a global financial meltdown before."