Tories: ‘Cost of living crisis not our fault, it's our Sistine Chapel'

One Tory MP who wished to remain anonymous, has spoken out about the cost of living crisis:

‘This wasn’t just thrown together you know. 12 years of avoidable mismanagement is actually quite hard work, but we've created a masterpiece! We absolutely could make people’s lives better but we simply don't want to.'

‘And how would ordinary people suffer for our entertainment otherwise? Remember David Cameron? Just reading about the anguish he helped cause was no longer enough to sexually arouse him – he had to see it for himself. Now 'going to the food bank' is rhyming slang in his house.’

‘Victorian level poverty is what these oiks - sorry, people - voted for and we should respect that by screwing them over and over and over again. What do they want – food and heating?'

'It makes you sick. More inexplicably legalised foie gras?’

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu

Johnson will allow some refugees in UK but only in if they bid to play him at tennis first

Boris Johnson has told fleeing Ukranian refugees they would be able to enter the UK on a visa but only if they bid in an auction to play him at tennis and make donations to the Conservative party.

Mr Johnson said it was only fair that Ukranian refugees faced the same level of rigorous checks and balances that super rich Russian oligarchs faced when they first came to the UK.

Assessing the tennis skills of wealthy individuals wanting to become UK citizens had been a very effective way of establishing whether they were suitable or not. Other ways of assessing a persons character include a game of bridge with a Tory peer and attending a gymkhana event at your local pony club.

The PM said the plight of Ukranians fleeing their country was of great concern to the UK but they had to show just how serious they were about wanting to escape the threat of Russian bombs.

‘And what better way to show how desperate you are to escape death than to make a huge donation to the Conservative party’ said the PM ‘it shows a willingness to fit in.

And as a goodwill gesture to our Ukrainian friends we won’t be asking the women and children to establish their source of wealth’.

Image: Pixabay/hansmarkutt

Suck in more ways than one