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NewsBiscuit - Best of June 2024


June 2024


In June 2024, the General Election campaign in the UK was all-consuming and there was no escape. The Tories continued to announce new policies that they could have enacted in office, but hadn’t bothered to. Labour continued to say as little as possible. Migrants arriving in small boats continued to be a big political issue. The government did successfully get rid of one unwanted migrant, however, as the infamous freeloader Julian Assange finally returned to Australia.


The stories we posted in June 2024 seemed to presage the election result. There was a lot of poking fun at the Conservatives, with a side order of incredulity about Reform, and a degree of tolerance for Ed Davey’s cunning stunts.


With hindsight, it seems impossible that the Conservatives could have survived such a satirical onslaught. And so it proved to be. We’re taking all the credit.


Almost all other news was squeezed out. But there is always room for a royal story, and Princess Anne provided some light relief by getting kicked in the head by a horse. We assume it was a horse. She can’t remember. It can’t have been Andrew, because he was getting a pizza. And Sir Ian McKellen engaged in some ill-advised crowd-surfing after falling off the stage at the RSC.


Here is a selection of the top stories from June 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


General Election Stories


The Not-The-Election Stories


Selected headlines from June 2024

Bingo callers introduce "Gamblers' Den" for number 10

Baby delivered in car came with free coke and garlic bread

Tories walking slowly investigated by Ambling Commission

Chip van commemorates D-Day with a frypast

Ed Davey completes tour of all Britain's theme parks

Julian Assange disappointed at missing out on Rwanda

Rishi: Go back to your constituencies and prepare for oblivion

Tory manifesto launched on the side of a driverless bus

Ventilation expert disappointed by Onlyfans website  

Princess Anne in a stable condition

MP having buttock reduction surgery afraid he might lose his seat

Fire brigade called to massive blaze in Rishi Sunak's pants drawer

Sir Ian McKellen to star in stage adaptation of 'The Fall Guy'

Man who had a large mole removed from nose says 'the worst thing was those front claws'



Image credit: deep dream generator


‘Monkeypox a Brexit dividend’ insists Rees-Mogg



Brexit minister Jacob Rees-Mogg has welcomed the outbreak of monkeypox here in the UK saying it is clearly a Brexit dividend and should be seen as a triumph and not something to be concerned about.


‘The joy of having monkeypox is that you need to isolate for up to 21 days….which means the chances of contracting Covid are massively reduced. It's a win-win situation for all Brexit loving Brits. The spread of monkeypox would not have happened had we still been in the EU and we would not have been able to benefit from it as we are today’ said the Somerset MP. 'It also means there is another huge demand for expensive PPE….and we all know what that means.'


'The risk of infection is not great at the moment but with the NHS struggling to meet demand for even the most routine of appointments it is sure to explode soon', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Infections are highest amongst sexually active people like sex workers, drug users, promiscuous sex addicts, multiple sex partners, swingers and Tory MPs….so most of you will be fine for now.'


'But that is about to change. As Minister for Brexit Opportunities I can see the potential for massive potenital for anybody with the right connections', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Anybody needing PPE should contact one of our providers…..like one of the off-shore companies I manage or trade shares in.'


'Would you like my cousins phone number....tell him Jake sent you'.


First published 24 May 2022



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