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Tories hope to tempt Stuart Hall out of retirement for It's a Knockout stage of leadership election



In the hope of renewing interest in the fortunes of a disgraced parliamentary cabal, spin doctors have advised the Tory party to add more bizzazz to the knockout stage of the leadership election process, by instead of having the traditional debate between the candidates about what they have to offer and why they should be the next party leader, the knockout should take the form of the It's a Knockout competition that bored TV viewers senseless during the 60s and 70s, but might entertain if the contestants were people seen to be getting their comeuppance for the part they played in supporting a charlatan.


Key to the success of the venture will be having it hosted by Stuart Hall, whose contageous laughter at the slapstick antics of the competitors is seen as the only reason for the programme's puzzling longevity. Stuart Hall's conviction for being a notorious kiddy fiddler was not seen as an obstacle by any of the MPs we spoke to, some of whom appeared surprised that anyone would find kiddy fiddling offensive.


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First published 11 Jul 2022


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Next round of Tory Leadership battle to take place in the middle aisle of Aldi


Word from deep inside Conservative Party Central Office is that the next round of Tory Leadership Debates is to take place in the middle aisle of the Aldi supermarket in Gillingham.


Liz Truss, the Panda Pops Margaret Thatcher, the Travel-Iron Lady, will go up against Rushi Sunak, the illegitimate offspring of Mr Bean and that blue rat from that Pixar film, in what is said to be the Winner Takes All of Leadership Debates. Items on the agenda for discussion are believed to be: taking candy from babies, the flogging of dead horses and making the rich friends richer and their poor friends poorer.


A spokesperson for the Tories told our reporter: 'The middle aisle of the Aldi is the ideal location, in amongst the cassette players, the lawn darts, the welding kits, the socks with toes and the wetsuits that are just a little bit too small or too big. It's the ideal place to find something you didn't really want, something of dubious origin you don't really need, and which will be obsolete, forgotten and on the scrap heap in less than a year.'



First published 9 Aug 2022


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Face Eating Leopard sets out leadership campaign



Conservative voters were energised today by the candidacy of Face Eating Leopard, as he stood on a platform of face eating, low taxes, and further face eating. Speaking to a room of packed journalists, or ‘lunch’ as he referred to them, he said: ‘I feel I have something to offer the country – which is very specific dietary requirement.’



Already ahead of Liz Truss, the leopard insisted his devouring of noses would be more appealing. ‘Just because I sound and look like a leopard, does not mean I cannot change my spots. Contrary to rumours I will not be eating your face…well, maybe just the once’.


image from pixabay



First published 17 Jul 2022


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