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The Tory guide to saving water

Writer: apepper
apepper
Aug 18



1. First things first, get the gardener to put the cover on your pool when your not using it. During these hot days, you can prevent evaporation and save on heating. Its down to Labour education failings that pool management isn't taught in schools


2. Don't empty your Jacuzzi after use, let your servants have a go. Normally, of course, you'd instruct your man to drain and clean your Jacuzzi once you've finished but why not charge him a few quid for the honour to be allowed to use your water.


3. Use a hosepipe ban loophole. This is a clever plan, hosepipes are banned but a chain of lads with buckets is completely above board; get a few of the staff onto it.


4. Replace all your lawns and plants with plastic equivalents. Think about it; these don't need watering, cutting or pruning - so there's a saving on staff.


5. Spend the summer in your Swiss chalet. This is an obvious move, but needs some planning - you need to get the UK staff onto zero hours contracts so you don't waste money paying them when your not there. If you need extra staff out there, why not get them jobs as Ryanair cabin staff - then they can fly out for free.


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First published 18 Aug 2022


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Next PM is responsible for Larry's cat litter tray, says Johnson

Writer: dominic_mcg
dominic_mcg
Aug 12

Another terrible smell is permeating through the corridors of power: Larry the Downing Street cat's overflowing litter tray.


Caretaker Prime Minister, part-time scarecrow and full time oxygen thief, Boris Johnson, is refusing to make a decision on emptying Larry's litter tray, saying that it is the responsibility of the next Tory Leader and he doesn't want to "step on any toes".


Sadly, he's been stepping on a lot more as there are now clumps all over the kitchen floor. Johnson admits that he could clean it up and replace the kitty litter, but that's not the point. 'It's not my role to clean up cat poo, mop floors and open windows,' he told reporters.


Candidates to be the UK's next worst Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss have agreed in principle to have a meeting about the situation but are both remaining tight-lipped about how to solve the issue before September's leadership vote.


A spokesperson for Sunak told us that £4 billion will be set aside to look into this issue and Liz Truss is claiming that it's probably some foreign cats who have been creeping in and crapping in the tray.


In the meantime, Larry has been using the flower beds in the gardens of Number 11.


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First published 12 Aug 2022


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Tories hope to tempt Stuart Hall out of retirement for It's a Knockout stage of leadership election

Writer: ModelMaker
ModelMaker
Jul 11


In the hope of renewing interest in the fortunes of a disgraced parliamentary cabal, spin doctors have advised the Tory party to add more bizzazz to the knockout stage of the leadership election process, by instead of having the traditional debate between the candidates about what they have to offer and why they should be the next party leader, the knockout should take the form of the It's a Knockout competition that bored TV viewers senseless during the 60s and 70s, but might entertain if the contestants were people seen to be getting their comeuppance for the part they played in supporting a charlatan.


Key to the success of the venture will be having it hosted by Stuart Hall, whose contageous laughter at the slapstick antics of the competitors is seen as the only reason for the programme's puzzling longevity. Stuart Hall's conviction for being a notorious kiddy fiddler was not seen as an obstacle by any of the MPs we spoke to, some of whom appeared surprised that anyone would find kiddy fiddling offensive.


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First published 11 Jul 2022


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