No reprieve for BBC results

The BBC has confirmed that it will no longer broadcast the results of the Conservative leadership contest – the equivalent in footballing terms of the Isle of Wight Top Tiles League South.

A spokesperson said: 'As a matter of course we regularly review all of our media output. Consulting with focus groups, undertaking customer surveys etc. All point to a falling public interest in this topic. Overwhelming feedback criticises us for continuing to report on "a couple of useless, egotistic lying tossers who couldn’t run a whelk stall, or indeed organise a legal piss-up in a brewery let alone 10 Downing Street.

Customers have urged us to promote instead more upbeat and uplifting news items such as Covid, Ukraine, water rationing, the next WAGs legal action. Plus, of course, blanket coverage of the Conservative leadership contest after this one – provisionally scheduled for January 2023.'

Next PM is responsible for Larry's cat litter tray, says Johnson

Another terrible smell is permeating through the corridors of power: Larry the Downing Street cat's overflowing litter tray.

Caretaker Prime Minister, part-time scarecrow and full time oxygen thief, Boris Johnson, is refusing to make a decision on emptying Larry's litter tray, saying that it is the responsibility of the next Tory Leader and he doesn't want to "step on any toes".

Sadly, he's been stepping on a lot more as there are now clumps all over the kitchen floor. Johnson admits that he could clean it up and replace the kitty litter, but that's not the point. 'It's not my role to clean up cat poo, mop floors and open windows,' he told reporters.

Candidates to be the UK's next worst Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss have agreed in principle to have a meeting about the situation but are both remaining tight-lipped about how to solve the issue before September's leadership vote.

A spokesperson for Sunak told us that £4 billion will be set aside to look into this issue and Liz Truss is claiming that it's probably some foreign cats who have been creeping in and crapping in the tray.

In the meantime, Larry has been using the flower beds in the gardens of Number 11.

With just 25 more days to go until the next PM is revealed...