Cap removed on bankers' arseholery

The government has taken the decision to open their Pandora's Box of Greed again, and let Satan's little helpers run riot. Said one starving child: 'They've been struggling to get by on shop brand champagne. I don't know how they coped.'

Left to their own devices bankers have all the self-control of a fox in a KFC. One bemused homeless individual quipped. 'You mean those multi-million pound contracts, were them showing restraint?!?'

An economist explained: 'It's all part of the financial cycle. Bonuses, followed by the collapse of civilization. We bail them out. Then we give them a bonus to try again. It's complicated. Not everyone gets it. I could show you diagrammatically, but it would just be a picture of you being repeatedly rogered with a bollard.'

Photo by fikry anshor on Unsplash

Anger as French waste contractors announce plans to introduce annual collection schedule

NewsBiscuit understands that from next year collection of household waste by private contractors will change from fortnightly to annually.

Henri Lanois, CEO of France based waste management firm, Merde, told BBC: ‘Since ze councils sell off waste disposal to City wide-boys who then sell it to us, our raison d'etre is to make money for our investors. It is privatisation in action, non? Shareholders make a fortune and ze public suffers. As we say en France… pfft, c’est la vie, mon ami.

'And even if some previously conquered diseases reappear as a result it will be a small price to pay. Anyway, 'aven't you British got ze antibiotics these days. So... pas de problem.'

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

The manifesto promise