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'Let the Bodies Pile High... in my boudoir, baby! Fwoarrrrr.'


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As the world waits with bated breath for the release of Boris Johnson’s memoir, hailed as the greatest literary event since 'Spare', The Bible or Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, speculation mounts as to what the title will be. 'Let the Bodies Pile High' remains a firm favourite with Paddy Power. Here are the remaining top 10 contenders.


1. I


2. Me


3. I & Me


4. I, Me & Myself


5. Fwoarrrrr, Crikey!


6. Keep On Buggering You


7. This Much I Don’t Know


8. Windswept & Interesting


9. Boris's Adventures in Borisland


10. Down and Out in Antigua and Fiji


Johnson’s publishers are confident his book will outsell ‘Oops! - The life and times of Liz Truss' and Steve Barclay’s much anticipated NHS memoir ‘Goodbye to All That’, whicwill hit the shelves in February.


Distant cousin of Boris Johnson lent money and threw shit at zookeepers


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A distant cousin of Boris Johnson is reported to have lent him a scattering of fruit and an old car tyre hanging from a tree branch. ‘Bubbles’ the bonobo, who is famed for his uncanny resemblance to the former PM, gave him a shedload of bananas to help fund his lavish lifestyle. He also gave Mr Johnson free use of a luxury chimp enclosure.


A spokesperson for Mr Johnson said: ‘The media should stop slinging shit at Boris. Bubbles is perfectly capable of doing that himself.’


Bubbles was not available for comment because he is a primate with an underdeveloped brain. Mr Johnson did not comment either.


EXCLUSIVE: Leaked details of Truss's upcoming keynote conference speech


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NewsBiscuit has exclusively acquired a leaked transcript of Liz Truss's keynote address to be given to the assembled geriatrics and right wing reactionary crackpots at next week's Tory Party Conference in Birmingham.


Among many things, the document reveals the central plank in the prime minister's plan to unveil long-awaited measures to benefit the poor and underprivileged who are struggling to make ends meet.


In one passage sure to play well with delegates Ms. Truss will say:


"Conference, we're not the party of heartlessness. No (pause for sycophantic applause) We have listened to the people and I am proud to announce this. Rather than give the poor generous cash handouts, which they'll only squander on booze and fags, we shall go one step better. Instead, every day they will all receive a rosy apple free gratis with no strings attached. This is caring conservatism at its finest. (take a beat of ten for wave of uncontrolled adulation to build through the auditorium).


That's levelling up in action and at its best, conference! Because do you know, an apple sliced extremely finely is more than enough to feed a family of six. Of course, a good knife with the keenest of blades is key, but then doesn't every household in the the land have one? And if not, surely those who don't can acquire a Sabatier from John Lewis Online. Even the most hopeless have the Internet... don't they?


But, conference we will not stop there. To ensure the poor do not feel demonised, pitied or patronised, we have arranged for a queuing system to be implemented at the rear of each and every one of the major supermarkets, just next to the skips, where lucky recipients can line up to get this extraordinary and much needed boost to their finances, safely out of sight of prying eyes."


More extracts to follow tomorrow.


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