top of page
Search

The stretch of HS2 from Birmingham to Manchester may not stretch that far


ree

The stretch of HS2 from Birmingham to Manchester is in doubt today as the government refuses to stretch to a confirmation that it will stretch as far as Manchester.


Opposition figures criticised the government for stretching the truth when they announced last year that it would stretch all the way and not be cut back.


"It's stretching credulity to think that in these hard times, at a stretch, they aren't considering cuts" said a spokesman.


We can confirm that in the creation of this article we did not use a stretched limo, but we did stretch a point until it had to be carried off on a stretcher.


TfL introduce new draconian advertising policy


ree

Fresh from pulling an advert featuring a cake that could be seen to promote "unhealthy" foods, TfL has announced that a new puritanical policy will be applied to the posters featured on trains, buses and stations within the system.


Gone are images of foreign travel and windswept beaches, sunny uplands and rural idylls : any image that can detract from this most perfect of all worlds and lead to flights of fanciful thoughts of freedom - and loss of productivity.


Gone are images of barely clothed models and sun-tanned torsos, and with it the distraction of engorgements and flushings that can befuddle the mind and lead to strange and unprofitable thoughts and actions.


Gone are the posters describing 'entertainments' and 'dalliances' that offer some short-lived respite from the mind-numbing tedium of underclass existence, which should always be directed at improving the lot of our lords, masters and betters.


With this new policy, TfL will ensure that any journey on their network - however short - should be a grim, dour , drudge of an experience, designed to stamp out any spark of joy and shred any tattered remnants of humanity .


TfL denied this was a change in operations, just a formalisation.




Pasty bought in train station still too hot to eat, confirms man

ree

A Cornish pasty bought in the train station is still too bloody hot to eat, a man has confirmed.


The news comes numerous failed attempts by Mike McBride to take an initial bite out of his lunchtime purchase of a large traditional pasty at Retford train station to enjoy on his train journey home.


‘It’s like biting into a portion of pastry-covered molten lava, even 2 hours after purchase’, said McBride, struggling to get his words out due to the extensive blistering on his lips and the roof of his mouth’.



‘I thought I’d made some inroads into it with a tentative bite as our train approached Peterborough' admitted McBride. 'But the lukewarm pastry on the outside belied the still-300 degree celsius temperature of the meat filling.' 


‘We’re proud to serve our pasties at a temperature approaching that on the surface of the sun’, said Dave Jones, CEO of the Really Really Traditional Pasty Company.


‘Mr McBride should be able to enjoy his tasty cornish pasty sometime in the middle of next year’, continued Jones. ‘Alternatively, he could accelerate the cooling process by purchasing some of our potato wedges and placing his pasty next to these. They’re always absolutely stone cold’.



bottom of page