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Woman calls transport police over train leaving on time



Responding to a recorded message to make contact “if you see something that doesn’t look right”, a woman in Huddersfield today called British Transport Police to the city’s rail station after seeing a Transpennine Express train leave on time.


“Watching the 08:35 to Manchester Airport arriving 15 minutes after it was supposed to depart is one of the comforting little rituals of my daily commute” said Tanya Jones, 35. “So when I arrived this morning and saw the train pulling out on time, something jarred in me, and I got suspicious. Then the announcement came over the tannoy and I knew what I had to do.”


“We’d like to thank Ms Jones for her swift action” said a spokesperson for British Transport Police. “That train could have been hijacked or anything. We will bring you further information as soon as possible, although we are unable to say exactly when, as unfortunately the train our officers were travelling on in pursuit has broken down just outside Slaithwaite.”


Train Strikes Causing Classic Jokes To Fail




Train strikes have rendered the punchlines to classic jokes inaccurate and the revised alternatives just aren’t as funny. The popular joke asking what’s white and yellow and goes at sixty miles an hour is now; what’s white and yellow and goes at zero miles an hour? A striking train driver's egg sandwich.


A sandwich travelling very fast is an amusing image. A stationary sandwich is not. A fast egg sandwich is also likely to produce an eggy waft of scent, a static sandwich much less so.


A joke which often pops out of a Christmas cracker is How do you weigh a whale? Take him to a whaleweigh (railway) station! This joke now requires an addendum stating; there’s no point taking him to a whaleweigh (railway) station on Thursday or Saturday, because of the strikes.


This isn’t amusing, it’s just a potentially wasted journey with a big mammal of uncertain tonnage.


The punchline of there isn’t one, we’ve had to send the toffee by road instead, is a crap punchline to the popular confectionery joke what do you call a train full of toffee? This used to be a chew chew train! And was enjoyed by all ages.


The joke what is a train driver’s favourite footwear? Platform shoes! Is also not working very well but that’s because platform shoes were a popular shoe choice in the 1970s but not now, although since strikes have come back into fashion in a big way, maybe the platform shoe will too.

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