Treasury will get GPs to do your dishes and then regrout your downstairs loo

Her Majesty's Treasury are pretty sure that General Practitioners would like to take on extra jobs and get out of their surgeries more. 'They must be so bored with the limited levels of diagnosing stuff they haven't had to do in recent years,' grunted a Treasury spokes-elf as it stepped, blinking into the light.

'All we're doing is coming up with bonkers things for Liz Truss to vaguely mumble while she gets everyone else to graft as she sweats bricks putting her feet up. Bone idle and lazy is what everyone else in Britain is. She knows because she got other people to work it out for her while she busily had another cuppa.

'Also, nurses should fill in potholes with leftover semolina, firemen need to get right on the case sweeping down giraffes with toothbrushes, and teachers must go on gruelling quests to find rings which make you invisible.'

Pushed on whether getting GPs to make financial assessments was really foisting Treasury responsibility elsewhere, the response was, 'Lord Treasurer, no. We just fancy a crack at sticking our fingers up your bottoms.'

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Britons returning from Staycations to self isolate

The government has noted that the UK has the highest incidence of covid in Europe and with immediate effect the whole of the UK is being put on Amber Plus alert status,' said a government spokesperson today.

'We are particularly concerned with the amount of UK residents taking a staycation, as by definition they are taking a holiday in one of the most highly infected regions in the world,' he added. 'From midnight tonight all Britons returning from a staycation, even if it was in their back garden, will have to self-isolate for ten days and pay for a PCR test.'

The Treasury has admitted that the new policy will hit the economy hard but a spokesman for the Treasury added that 'with everyone in the UK having to pay for the PCR tests sometime over the summer the initiative will probably be cost neutral for the government, and especially welcome for friends of the Cabinet who have been awarded PCR test supply contracts.'