Bookies odds on Donald Trump’s next big surprises

Donald Trump continues to outwit the bookies, with a series of moves that no-one saw coming. Like sacking the head of the army, calling Zelensky a dictator, voting with Russia in the UN and lying his face off in front of Emmanuel Macron. If you’d predicted all those things, then an accumulator bet would have made you very rich.

So, if you fancy your chances, bookies are offering good odds on the next bizarre moves by the orange man baby. Here’s a quick rundown:

5-4 odds:   Trump claims Australia (and all its minerals), saying that all native Australians are descended from Native Americans who crossed the pacific in small boats in the 12th century.

2-1:  Trump reintroduces segregation. This time it is for non-Americans, especially Mexicans and Canadians, and for anyone who is LGBTQ. Planes, trains and buses must have separate seats, toilets and in flight snacks for true Americans.

5-2:  Trump amends the US Constitution to allow him a third term. And a fourth. And a fifth.

3-1:  Trump refuses to assist LA after the devastating fires, saying that it was all due to Democrat policies.

4-1:  Trump demands that the firstborn in each household is slain. For non-American households only, obviously.

5-1:  Trump starts holding all meetings naked, saying that nakedness is simply a logical extension of free speech

6-1:  Trump nominates himself to be the next Pope and/or to be America’s first king

10-1:  Trump and Putin agree to share the moon, and tell India and China that they already owe the US a considerable amount in parking fines and penalties for the abandoned space vehicles up there.

12-1:   Trump demands, and is given, the Oscar for best President.  JD Vance gets best supporting President.

14-1:  Trump demands a rematch against the Sioux and Arapahoe tribes in Battle of the Little Bighorn 2, and that this is filmed for Netflix

15-1: Trump sells Truth Social to Elon Musk for billions

16-1:  Trump tries to sell Jordan (the country) to Syria

1,000,000-1:  Trump stops lying and being a git and apologises for everything

Updated Seven Deadly Sins from the King Trump Bible

As Trump is an angry, lazy, vain, greedy, adulterous, gluttonous fraudster, a new “interpretation” of the original (and best) sins was needed. By using an alternative theory on the separation of church and state as written in the US constitution, the current US Government has issued the all-new deadly sins list. So in at number seven, here we go!

• Empathy – This is definitely a weakness and shows basic lack of alpha-ness and should never be attempted.

• Critical Thinking – Believe something, find opinions online that support it. These are your facts. Do not falter or back down. To do otherwise is now a sin. This is your life now.

• Awareness – Something is only bad if it is bad to you directly. You have a nice safe bubble that is always right, all other bubbles are wrong and dangerous. Only listen to voices in your echo chamber.

• Diversity – If something is different from you and your views, it is wrong and scary. God said so.

• Equity – You don’t need to know what this means, it is just the middle letter in an abbreviation you have been told to hate.

• Inclusion – In the bible, those two Corinthians must have said this at some point, “Screw you, I got mine” and I think we can all agree that is a valuable lesson to live by.

• Integrity – The white Jesus said, do what I say, not what I do. I can do what I want, and you must do what I want you to do. Hypocrisy is your shield and ignorance is your sword.

Sales boom for petrol engine Tesla cars

Elon Musk is celebrating a sales boom for Tesla cars. The models in the greatest demand are those with petrol engines – which is odd, as Tesla only builds fully electric cars.

We spoke to an auto industry insider, to understand what’s going on. Richard Scratcher, owner of Dirty Dick’s Chop Shop in Alamo, Nevada, says that it’s all to do with sales of converted Teslas. The Chop Shop works with a Tesla dealership, offering new cars which have been converted by replacing the electric engine with a new General Motors V12 internal combustion engine.

Richard says, ‘Sales of my Tesla Model 3 DBD are booming. That’s DBD, not DBS, like Aston Martin. DBD stands for Drill, Baby, Drill.   And that’s a big clue about who is buying these cars.

‘Republican’s are keen to support Trump and keen to support the First Buddy, Elon Musk. So they’d like to buy a Tesla to show their support.  But at the same time, they hate environmentalists, they don’t believe in climate change, and they really, really hate electric cars.

‘So I solve that problem for them. They get to buy a new Tesla, to help out Elon, and they get an all-American V12 engine and twin exhausts and a fuel consumption of 8 miles per gallon. That sounds bad, but it’s a US gallon, not one of your Imperialist gallons. And that’s why sales are booming.

‘I’ve also got a great deal going on secondhand cars. I can buy Teslas cheap from disillusioned Democrats, convert them, and sell them on at a premium price to Republican blowhards.  And that’s how we’re making America great again.’

Photo by Charlie Deets on Unsplash