God Endorses Kanye West, Refuses to Comment on Biden/Trump

Despite facing a busy day deciding which children in Africa will live past 12, God has decided to chime in on American politics and give his full endorsement to Kanye West.

The all mighty lord and saviour initially refused to comment on the Biden vs Trump race and proclaimed Kayne West is the only man capable of running the United States. This comes as no surprise as Kayne has previously stated 'I'm like a vessel, and God has chosen me to be the voice and the connector'.

West previously announced his campaign for presidency on July 4th. He stated he will run for the Birthday Party, because 'when we win, it's everybody's birthday'. West's campaign has been described as having a 'Republican leaning, pro-black religious platform', which is a perfect platform for the lord.

God said 'Kanye is the perfect man for the job because he doesn't think too well and does what I say'. God refused to comment on the Biden and Trump campaigns. Sources are saying God saw both of them doing unmentionable acts to women.

West, who is most famous for being a musical genius with lyrics like 'In a French ass restaurant, Hurry up with my damn croissants' and 'Brrat-tat-da-da-da-da Ga-ga-ga-ga' will have a difficult time securing the nations top spot after failing to get the required number of signature for several states.

Anything is possible in this election and with the backing of God the Kanye campaign just might stand a chance. When asked what he thought of Gods endorsement Kayne stated 'I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle'.

Image by Henryk Niestrój from Pixabay

‘Trump’ season finale set to be explosive

.It has been hailed as the greatest drama in the Fox Network’s history: a flawed genius unravelling before our very eyes.

“The writing is exquisite” said 50s throwback Mark Kermode. “His decline from uber-demanding chief to senile, petulant weakling is something we’ve never seen before. Maybe ‘Downfall’ came close but this has been a multimedia experience. The tweets, the bitchy press conferences, it’s been immersive. Trump’s performances have been impeccable”.

The show was the brainchild of media mogul Rupert Murdoch, previously best known for the creation of ‘Blair’, a show which seems parochial by comparison. Also, Trump’s on-screen wife is hotter than Cherie and might actually make a good hate character for Season 2, assuming Murdoch commissions another season.

“There’s certainly enough material”, said Kermode. “All the people he’s thrown under the bus, any one of them might come after him now he’s weak. There’s the whole ‘did he pay Russian prostitutes to pee on him in bed?’ storyline. Stormy Daniels. The fake Covid cures. If America’s victims turn into zombies, what a spectacle that would be – 170,000 zombies – even CGI would struggle with that”.

Season 1 has seen a steady decline in Trump’s faculties and his growing paranoia about voter fraud. What does the season finale hold? With an uncertain election in November followed by two more months in the White House, maybe we should look to one of Trump’s catchphrases:

“You always knew I had these nukes”.

Image: geralt/Pixabay

Senate impeachment trial handed over to Jackie Weaver

Frustrated with successive failures to agree upon the of the U.S. Constitution, the American Senate has agreed to hand over control of the Trump Impeachment trial to Jackie Weaver, of the East Cheshire Association of Local Authorities. The unlikely star of the Handforth Parish Council viral Zoom meeting agreed to step in when senior Republicans failed to follow establish protocols or agree to due process, and she immediately threw out a couple of angry, shouty men who had been arguing about who was in charge of proceedings on Capitol Hill.

‘In my colleague’s defence’ said Senator Ted Cruz, ‘this is the American Senate, Jackie Weaver really does have no authority here.’

However the Republicans and Democrats were unable to move forward on the legality of impeaching a President who was no longer in office, even when Mitch McConnell shouted ‘Read the standing orders! Read them and understand them!’ The Republican leader was then informed that would be shut out of the meaning, until he became reasonable again, which most likely is ‘never.’ Jackie Weaver said that if she had to, she would throw out all the angry old white men. ‘But that’s the entire Republican Party’ said Kevin McCarthy.

Republican Ted Cruz, facing deep embarrassment about his political position - needing to be seen to be supporting the former president, while privately hoping for a Trump prosecution that would help his own political prospects, was so embarrassed that he opted to use a cat face. This was particularly surprising given that he was not on a Zoom call, but in the building itself, but Cruz hoped that given everything else that has happened recently, nobody would think him putting on a cat mask was particular unusual.

Another senator tried to pretend he was stuck on mute, even though he too was in the room for real and this wasn’t very convincing.

Asked if being put in charge of the Senate might risk the power going to her head, Jackie Weaver said ‘I AM GOING TO WIN BIGLY IN 2024, MAKE EAST CHESHIRE GREAT AGAIN!!’ and then groped Nancy Pelosi.