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Channel 4 News operating under the delusion that the Tory leadership car crash is still newsworthy




Provider of information to woke snowflakes, Channel 4 News, still thinks what unfunny clowns do and say in their bids to become Britain's Silliest Prime Minister is actually news. No self-respecting fully paid up Conservative member even acknowledges the existence of Channel 4, never mind watch its news output.


The only known incident where it happened was in 2019 when Gerry SaintJohn-Smythe from Bournemouth accidentally pressed the wrong button on his remote control, later confirming his embarrassing error. He quickly rectified the situation and proceeded to the Boys Giving Blowjobs to Donkeys With Massive Cocks pay per view porn channel (444) he was intending to watch.


C4 News viewer Janine Dale from Tetteridge confirmed, 'No legitimate Channel 4 News viewer can do anything about who becomes leader of the Conservative party and therefore Prime Minister, so every ridiculous thing spouted by the candidates for the purpose of getting on the news has no newsworthy value. The programme is in serious danger of straying into the territory of Tory leadership news fatigue. Just tell us who won when the votes have been counted, and that'll do. We don't need all this incessant voyeurism of the mentally disturbed kowtowing to psychopathic pornography addicts who would rather see the world burn than do anything about their dedication to ignorance.'



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First published 5 Aug 2022


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ChatGPT to remake Van de Valk


A spokesperson, obviously a man, for Elon Musk has confirmed his boss has ordered Grok to remake the Odyssey in a more believable way. 'Mr Musk does not believe there would be black people in Homer's classic,' he said.


When asked what shade of brown would be appropriate for ancient Greeks he replied that white is what Musk believed to be the correct shade of brown.  Apparently ancient Greeks are alright for speaking modern English in the Grok rendition.  Odysseus himself would believe in the one Christ and none of that Greek God rubbish, despite predating the age of Christ by a long time.


Helen, of course, would be white and would speak in a Home Counties accent, like most Helens.  Not to be confused with Karens.


ChatGPT has responded by agreeing to remake the 2020 remake of Van de Valk in Dutch.  



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Winner of the World Cup Tie-In Snacks Announced


Watching men in great physical shape run around doing the footballing for five and a half weeks has led to an increase in viewers' snacking across the participating nations. The manufacturing of synchronously packaged foodstuffs to accompany the televisual footy feast has far surpassed that of any previous tournament and experts predict that by 2056 there will be breaks in the sporting action every fifteen minutes to allow the players to eat a little tie-in treat.


In the semi-final of snacks, the net bags of red wax covered mild mini cheeses with flags on (a note for the English, superstitiously eating your home country last has not been enough to occasion a win, a new strategy is needed next time) faced off against the doughnuts with a green icing football pitch on. The sausage and mash flavoured potato crisps met with the sour fizzy jelly football/trophy/glove/ball shaped sweets. Meeting in the final were the doughnuts and the fizzy sweets. In a tense battle of thoughtful mastication, the doughnuts won!


Should anyone feel they haven’t eaten enough of the promotional high fat and high sugar comestibles they will be appearing in your local B&M for the next year. Yum!


Image: WixAI



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