TV Detective immediately spots crime on CCTV footage without asking for it to be rewound

A TV detective was celebrating today, after finding incriminating evidence about a crime on his first watch of newly acquired CCTV footage, without having to stand in the background and then suddenly shout 'Wait! There! Rewind that bit!'.

DCI Mike McBride, the downtrodden lead investigator in the popular police/forensic pathology procedural 'Talking Stiffs', broke with all conventions by immediately spotting his prime suspect smashing a hammer into the head of the victim just 5 seconds into watching some crystal clear colour footage.

'There you go. Bam! Oh, that's got to hurt!', said a delighted McBride. 'And look, what's that, just as he's cocking his head helpfully towards the camera? Is he pulling his wallet out of his pocket? You can see his driving licence with his photo and address on it. That's got to be helpful for us to build a case against him'.

'We were expecting an all nighter', said Rachel Jones, an overworked but incisive and clever sergeant. 'I'd spent the first half of the episode trying to obtain the footage and usually, I'd expect to be endlessly playing it through, getting more and more frustrated at the lack of evidence, and being constantly passed over for promotion, until I'm asked at midnight to just look through it again for a final time, just as McBride is about to head home to his empty flat with just a bottle of whiskey and some jazz music for company.'

'The whole team would gather round my computer, and then the boss would - from 10 metres away - spot a car in the background that we'd missed before, and I'd zoom in and work out a couple of the letters on the number plate.' continued Jones. 'We'd all spill our coffees and leg it over to the suspect's house while Mcbride hollers that all leave is cancelled for the forseeable future' But no, it's case closed and we're only just at the first ad break'.

In the next episode, McBride is surprised when a helpful pathologist provides all the important forensics on a victim in a neat folder on his desk within a couple of hours of the post-mortem. The case is solved within 10 minutes after a key witness then reveals everything she knows about the murderer in the first interview, including all those bits of information that she didn't think were important at all but which turn out to be crucial.

Image: Pixabay/mohamed_hassan

'Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours, like me' croons Putin

The cancellation of the Australian soap Neighbours is now thought to be the primary motivation for the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

An aide to Putin said 'Vlad is a huge fan of Neighbours. He used to watch it twice a day, but he preferred it in the 1980s, much like the Soviet Union. He always used to sing along with the theme tune, you know, Neighbours... everybody needs good neighbours - like Russia! The show warmed the cockles of where his heart should be. Now it's being cancelled, he no longer believes good neighbours become good friends so the only possible alternative is invasion and the accompanying indiscriminate slaughter. Anyway who said nuclear war? Not me! Why are you always going on about nuclear war?'

Image: Pixabay/Pexels

TV stations announce new approach to cookery programmes

Amid news that supermarkets have been filling gaps on their shelves with pictures and cardboard replicas of produce, television companies have been rushing to produce cooking programmes using cardboard cut-outs of celebrity chefs along with replica soundtracks from previous episodes when they each had a go at cooking the same dishes.

A spokesperson for the BBC explained: 'We've known for a long time, that although these programmes are popular and interest people in exciting recipes, they were only ever watched by people under 50, because older people already know how to cook. We also know that although these programmes are educational, which ticks a box in our charter, not a single person under 50 has ever attempted to try the recipes themselves, preferring instead to buy a ready meal version of it.

When asked whether the older generation would miss seeing celebrity chefs cook in person, Agnes Smith from Lancashire said “Course I won't. They only ever cooked foreign muck. There isn't one of them who had a go at doing proper food like tripe and onions or a pigs' trotter stew.”

Entrepreneurs from the graphics industry have however seen an opportunity in producing cardboard cut-outs of viewers who can watch the new cookery programmes whilst those who buy them can go down the pub, like they used to when Agnes was a lass, making sure of course, that she put the veg on to cook before leaving the home.

It's rumoured Nigel Farage once picked up a cardboard cut-out of Gordon Ramsay from a skip and took it home to keep him company, pretending he has a friend. Said a source close to the former leader of political parties various: “It may be difficult to get Farage to part with it, but if they could run to a packet of fags and a pint of Old and Filthy, you never know your luck.”

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

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