'Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours, like me' croons Putin

The cancellation of the Australian soap Neighbours is now thought to be the primary motivation for the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

An aide to Putin said 'Vlad is a huge fan of Neighbours. He used to watch it twice a day, but he preferred it in the 1980s, much like the Soviet Union. He always used to sing along with the theme tune, you know, Neighbours... everybody needs good neighbours - like Russia! The show warmed the cockles of where his heart should be. Now it's being cancelled, he no longer believes good neighbours become good friends so the only possible alternative is invasion and the accompanying indiscriminate slaughter. Anyway who said nuclear war? Not me! Why are you always going on about nuclear war?'

Image: Pixabay/Pexels

TV stations announce new approach to cookery programmes

Amid news that supermarkets have been filling gaps on their shelves with pictures and cardboard replicas of produce, television companies have been rushing to produce cooking programmes using cardboard cut-outs of celebrity chefs along with replica soundtracks from previous episodes when they each had a go at cooking the same dishes.

A spokesperson for the BBC explained: 'We've known for a long time, that although these programmes are popular and interest people in exciting recipes, they were only ever watched by people under 50, because older people already know how to cook. We also know that although these programmes are educational, which ticks a box in our charter, not a single person under 50 has ever attempted to try the recipes themselves, preferring instead to buy a ready meal version of it.

When asked whether the older generation would miss seeing celebrity chefs cook in person, Agnes Smith from Lancashire said “Course I won't. They only ever cooked foreign muck. There isn't one of them who had a go at doing proper food like tripe and onions or a pigs' trotter stew.”

Entrepreneurs from the graphics industry have however seen an opportunity in producing cardboard cut-outs of viewers who can watch the new cookery programmes whilst those who buy them can go down the pub, like they used to when Agnes was a lass, making sure of course, that she put the veg on to cook before leaving the home.

It's rumoured Nigel Farage once picked up a cardboard cut-out of Gordon Ramsay from a skip and took it home to keep him company, pretending he has a friend. Said a source close to the former leader of political parties various: “It may be difficult to get Farage to part with it, but if they could run to a packet of fags and a pint of Old and Filthy, you never know your luck.”

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

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Seven kids' gameshow formats that should be used in Squid Game 2

Squid Game - it's the TV show everyone is talking about, where the old games we used to play in the school yard are given a post-modern K-drama, life or death twist. But what's left for series 2? Maybe the archives of old kids gameshows on TVs can provide some inspiration. Here are our top 7 formats that might be used in Squid Game

1. Cheggers Plays Pop - contestants have to take part in a series of inflatable or ball-based games, set to loud K-pop music. The Front Man departs from his traditional black mask and uniform, and instead dons a colourful T-shirt and flared jeans, adopting an overly familiar manner with participants throughout the show. The losing team are jovially put to death by the Front Man, but not before a three minute interlude from a current band, whilst everyone arses around on the inflatables.

2. We are the Champions - Many of the elements of this format have already been stolen by Squid Game, such as the requirement for participants to wear green tracksuits and have a vacant, downtrodden look. In the full reboot, players have to endure an excruciating Question and Answer session with a current sportsperson before being invited to compete in a series of events in a swimming pool, where the rafts and dinghies used are never quite big enough for all the players. The Front Man adopts the persona of a friendly school PE teacher, albeit one who oddly has a swanny whistle in his pocket which he deploys at random times to confuse players. Those that lose their lives are sent off with a cheery 'Away You Go!' from the host, as the theme music fades in.

3. Fun House - players compete in teams, working their way through fairground style assault course games, with commentary and insight provided by the Front Man, donning an improbable blonde mullet haircut, and tight stonewashed jeans. Death for losers comes almost as a merciful release from the annoying theme tune that is constantly playing.

4. Runaround - players have to answer surprisingly straightforward questions by moving to a particular part of the arena. Questions are asked by the Front Man, who for this part of the show wears tight white jeans, dark glasses, and talks in a really gruff South London accent. In a unique twist, players get the chance to give their opponents the 'runaround' by changing their answers at the last minute. Anyone who looks like they are copying others' answers are immediately culled, the cheating bastards.

5. Mallett's Mallet - two participants have to play a classic word association game. The Front Man wears comedy shirts and shorts, and is expected to maintain his buffoon-style schtick throughout. In a development from the 1980s version, any hesitation or repetition is met with a whack on the head from a 50kg lead-filled mallet until they expire.

6. Record Breakers - Beat the Expert. Here, the Front Man employs a clever assistant who has an encyclopaedic knowledge of all Guinness World Records. Players have one chance to quiz the assistant about a particular record. If he knows the answer - which he always does - that, unfortunately, is the end for the player, who leaves this earth to a rendition of 'Dedication' from the Front Man.

7. Finders Keepers - the thinking person's kids TV show gets a K-drama makeover. Participants play a seemingly dull game of battleships but are exterminated by a cannon from an actual battleship at the end should they lose. The Front Man plays a quirky and catchy theme tune throughout on an early 1980s synthesiser.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/kirahoffmann-1855684/

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