Lib Dems promise to sort out the telly

The Lib Dems have promised that, if elected, there will be more premiership football games featuring Ed Davey on free to air television. They see this as an excellent policy – popular and also cheap. This has inspired them to make further plans to ‘sort out the telly’.

Ideas under consideration include:

- fewer adverts during films, and no sneaky backloading of adverts towards the end of the film. How annoying is that?

- bringing back David Tennant as Doctor Who, and toning down all the gay stuff.

- a strict quota on ABCDEFG programmes. The acronym refers to programmes about Antiques, Bargains, Clothes, Disasters and DIY (including DIY disasters), Emergency Services, Food and Gardening.

- reducing the 1% Club to twenty minutes, as there are so few quiz questions and far too much banter.

- all streaming services to be free on Sundays

- a new version of It’s A Knockout, with teams of politicians. This is mainly on the list because Ed Davey is very keen to participate, and because he imagines that a Lib Dem team might actually win.

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TV Election Debates: Five Key Take-Aways

The TV election debates go on for far too long and are, usually, entirely unilluminating.

So we've worked out the five key take-aways for you.  They are indian, chinese, burgers, pizza, and fish and chips. 

Any of these take-aways should distract you from the mind-numbing tediousness of it all.

Enjoy!

image from pixabay

Sunak & Starmer debate who can wee the highest

In the absence of any policies, the election debate was reduced to a glorified pissing contest, with a bonus round on whose dad was the hardest. The party leaders then compared who had the coolest digital watch, followed by arm wrestling, best of three.

A confused studio audience watched the two miniscule men declare a frantic thumb war, although the moderator had to warn them not to be too loud, or she would confiscate their smart phones. Starmer riduculed Sunak's immigration policy and haircut, while Sunak accused Starmer of being fiscally irresponsible and smelling like poo.

Neither could grasp the basic arithmetic part of the debate but they both excelled at colouring in those they planned to deport. Sunak boasted he had kissed a girl, with tongues, but under questioning admitted it was his Mum. Whereas Starmer claimed he no longer wet the bed everytime someone said Jeremy Corbyn. Voters were left underwhelmed as both candidates left the stage, as it was long past their nap time.

image from pixabay