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A long-running investigation into misconduct at the Los Angeles Police Department finally concluded yesterday, delivering a damning verdict on Lieutenant Columbo, chief homicide investigator with the force from 1968 to 2003. In a period that saw an unprecedented rise in carefully pre-meditated murders of family members and business partners in the city, Columbo had enjoyed a 100 per cent conviction rate, putting away a remarkable 69 murderers with his legendary ability to solve complex cases in around 73 minutes (rising to 90 in the ABC years).


‘Columbo was a renegade cop, pure and simple, who rode roughshod over all principles of good policing,' announced Chief Commissioner John Finnegan, who headed up the enquiry. ‘Harassment of suspects on 69 occasions. 37 cases of entrapment. Contamination of crime scenes with cigar smoke and dirt from that infested jacket. The list goes on and on.’


The enquiry resulted in dozens of victims coming forward, notably Patrick McGoohan, William Shatner and Jack Cassidy, who described intimidation by Columbo on an industrial scale. McGoohan was pestered by the grubby detective four separate times. ‘I kept changing occupations to try and evade Columbo, albeit always typecast as an ice cool murderer with a grudging respect for a clever adversary, obviously' revealed McGoohan.


The investigation also revealed thousands of infringements of the standard US police show formula, including excessive reliance on the ‘reverse whodunnit’ and a complete refusal to include any bread and butter ‘detective-procedural’ filler scenes. One LA Medical Examiner during the 1970s, Quincy, described how Columbo would stubbornly refuse to retch and faint at the sight of a dead body on the slab, in direct contravention of forensic pathology TV series regulations.


Retired LA Private Investigator Jim Rockford was also critical. ‘In 1974, it might have been okay to rely on ‘last number redial’ as the only hard piece of evidence against a criminal, but to use that in 14 different episodes?’ noted Rockford, shaking his head. ‘I compiled literally hundreds of instances of him continuing to question a suspect after formally concluding an interview. ‘Just one more thing?’ mimicked Rockford. ‘If only that was the case.’

GB News audience stats have plummeted into negative figures as their presenters resort to watching viewers in order to maintain contact. On Saturday, the viewing figures dipped below -14 as broadcasters from the station desperately zoom called viewers to beg them to tune in.


Former newscaster Alastair Stewart said he watched the Smythe family explain why they weren’t going to tune in to the new station. ‘He didn’t realise that viewing the Smythe family would count against us in the stats and he's deeply sorry,’ said a GB News source.


And finally, one potentially audience winning feature has been postponed while Andrew Neil has a ‘well-earned break’ from throwing tantrums about the channel’s failures. GB News’s ‘Meatiest face in Britain’ final between Neil (T Bone Angus) and Jeremy Clarkson (chump chop) will take place in the Autumn.

Updated: Jun 21, 2022

With the first four days of GB News blighted by technical and audio issues, as well as blatant false named being read out, the head of production for the fledging channel has now instructed all presenters to become conversant in semaphore to assist in content delivery.


"I'm aware it's far from perfect," said Broadcasting Under Manager Michael Oxenlong this afternoon. "However, with the grainy video cameras and second-hand microphones I've been given to get this channel on the air, getting the presenters to hold flags and spell out the news letter-by-letter is about the only way I can get our message across. I've had to be careful though, Michelle Dewberry got too animated during a lockdown discussion yesterday and accidently spelt out 'Immigrants welcome.'"


Oxenlong's boss, William Stroker, was hoping this would be a temporary measure, remarking, "It's been a challenge to get such a new and important station on-air and delivering important content like regional variations on bread roll names and the defence of known sex-offenders on the basis of pure semantics. However, I've had a promise that our first tranche of advertising money will be spent on new AV equipment. I can't wait to see that roll, barn, or cob in!"

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