Who's started a new family tradition

The Cooke family from Redcar have boldly established a new tradition for Saturday night.

Every Saturday, at around 6.30pm, the family gathers in the lounge, in front of the television, to celebrate their new tradition of Not Watching Doctor Who.

‘We always used to watch Doctor Who together,’ says Mum, Alice. ‘But the show has gone right down the pan. It hasn’t really been any good since Matt Smith. Peter Capaldi was borderline OK. Jody Whittaker was bad. Ncuti Gatwa, I think, is pretty good. But the whole show is let down by really terrible writing, and by a dim-witted reliance on expensive special effects paid for with Disney money. The BBC has sold out. Russell T doesn’t care any more – he’s only doing it because he gets such a big paycheck.’

Daughter Kylie agrees. ‘The stories are rubbish and they are all the same. A monster does bad things to lots of people, ideally a whole planet or a whole galaxy. Doctor Who turns up, runs around a lot, waves his sonic screwdriver, and fixes things in a way that makes no sense at all. The monsters are all boring ones brought back from when Doctor Who was in black and white, but tarted up a bit.

Dad, Colin, complains that the whole show is just intergalactic wokery. ‘I’ll be impressed when we have an alcoholic doctor. Or when Doctor Who eats bad food on an alien planet and has to spend the whole episode in the toilet. That guy never eats – how does he do that?

‘Actually, I agree with Mum. It is the terrible writing that let’s it all down. If I had a time machine, I’d go back and erase Sylvester McCoy, and Peter Davidson and everything after David Tennant.

So, the new Cooke family tradition of Not Watching Doctor Who now focuses on rewatching old DVDs of Sapphire and Steel, and Blake's Seven and Tomorrow People – proper sci-fi that you can actually believe in.

image from pixabay

7 more adolescent shows that should be showed in every school

After the success of hard-hitting Netflix drama Adolescence, Keir Starmer announced that the programme would be made available to all secondary schools to stream for free for educational purposes. But why stop there? Here are 7 archive shows featuring adolescents that should be compulsory viewing for schoolkids and adults alike:

Why Don't You - a 1980s school summer holiday stalwart, this programme still contains many nuggets of useful information for contemporary schoolkids on how to navigate teenage life, including where to find the best free museum day outs in Bristol, how to make a walkie-talkie with a piece of string and two bog rolls, and (from the Belfast and Newcastle teams only) the best fil-terms to watch at the local cinema. Parental warnings: Includes gratuitous violence of TV sets being destroyed by a kicking foot in every episode, as well as some criminal bowl haircuts. 

Grange Hill - ever wondered what school life is really like in an inner-city comprehensive? Grange Hill  has all the answers, along with a catchy jangly them-tune and some trendy comic-book style opening credits.  From Zammo McGuire 'chasing the dragon', Gripper Stebson and Imelda Davis' peak-level bullying, and Mr Bronson's nazi-style teaching and moustache, kids today could learn a lot from this Phil Redmond classic. Watch out for flying sausages on a fork, and remember to Just Say No. 

Tuckers Luck - basically Grange Hill on steroids, with teenage pregnancies, mass unemployment, and the harsh reality of the YTS scheme and life after school. Grim, existential viewing, apart from an accidental one-liner gag about white dog turds in series 3, episode 2. 

Red Hand Gang - a pre-cursor to Adolescence's single-camera, the Red Hand Gang seemingly had just one single episode, showed repeatedly, every Saturday morning. 5 wholesome American schoolkids and their dog solve crimes. Main learning outcomes: red paint hand-prints are not easy to remove from fence panels; home made go-Karts fall apart way too easily under pressure; and the La La La, La La La theme tune will stay in your head for decades. 

The Box of Delights - much loved high-production values children's series from the 1980s. Often remembered as a classic, but when pushed, few kids can remember anything about it apart from the one minute advert featuring Patrick Troughton  that was showed incessantly, and the fact that there was a box involved which shrank people. Adults should be forced to watch the whole thing - yes all 6 bloody episodes - and forced to admit that it wasn't actually that good at all.

Press Gang - ridiculously over-confident, attractive teenagers are somehow given the freedom of a high-spec newspaper office and full printing press to engage in banter, school politics and frankly outrageous flirting. Kids today could learn a thing or two from Spike Thomson's quickfire repartee, whilst Lynda Day's style of leadership should be a compulsory part of the syllabus on any contemporary MBA.  

We are the Champions - learn about the harsh realities of competitive sport and teamwork, but with the added embarrassment of having to fail alongside your schoolmates. The only bits people remember are the pool games where the main life lesson learnt is that its impossible to cram 10 wet, sweating teenagers from a Bolton secondary school on a 6ft by 3 ft float. Ron Pickering adds touches of gravitas, credibility, as well as very sweaty armpits to an already heady mix of testosterone, swanny whistles, and bean bags. One last thing to say....AWAY YOU GO. 

Image: Pixabay/yousafbhutta

‘Braveheart' level celebrations as footballer wins throw-in

A footballer was surrounded by chest beating team-mates after winning a throw-in somewhere near the half way line.

Fans near the touchline said the throw-in celebrations reminded them of the rebel rousing speech given by Mel Gibson to his troops during the film Braveheart…only with better acting.

Players beat their chests, bellowed pledges of loyalty to the badge and roared defiantly at the assistant referee for not putting his flag up sooner.

The player who won the throw-in was greeted with chest bumps and high fives from team mates and the goalkeeper ran 40 yards to kiss his forehead.

Fans started singing the players name and pundits in the studio said winning the throw-in had probably added an extra £15m to his transfer valuation.

Social media was soon ablaze with conspiracy theories surrounding the incident with some fans claiming the throw-in was taken from the wrong place resulting in the referee receiving death threats from opposition fans.

When play resumed the player took the throw-in near the half way line and the ball was played back to the goal keeper.

Fans can see the winning throw-in on Match of the Day this evening or on iPlayer if they miss the show live.

Have your say : Was it a throw in or did the assistant referee get the decision wrong?

Image: Pixabay/