Vince Cable resigns, having taken Liberals 'as far as he can'

Twenty-four hours after becoming leader of the Liberal Democrats, Vince Cable has resigned his position saying that he has taken the party to the limit of its potential and it was now time for someone else to take up the reins.

'It has been a roller coaster ride,' said Cable 74; 'there have been great highs and great lows, but I feel that the day after I became leader is the right time to quit as I have nothing more I can offer.'

Cable won the coveted position after a tightly fought race between himself and no other candidates, at a time when the Liberal Party was still reeling from a disastrous general election performance. He promised 'change, renewal and hope', but in the end it was just a question of helping himself to a few packets of post-it notes from the stationery cupboard and then slipping out the back.

‘I wish my successor every good fortune,’ said Cable. ‘I leave this party one day older but otherwise pretty much the same.’ A new leader will be chosen by exhaustive ballot as soon as someone else cracks and agrees to do it

.Story taken from '15 Years of Typos'

Brits stockpiling their own breath in empty pickle jars

The UK government has told the public not to rush out and buy petrol. Which is code for 'selfish BoJo apologists: panic and get down to your petrol station immediately, or be a total loser who missed out'.

The combination of previously stockpiled toilet paper gathering breezeblock dust in garages alongside rusty Jerry cans sploshed with hastily squirted petrol dribbles, does suggest that there might be an explosive flurry of eruptions in your road if you select the correct bedroom window vantage point and give it a short while. OOh and aah.

But it's not just what Americans call gas which is a looming threat to British society. It has been roundly refuted that there is a shortage of pretty much every gas GCSE science holders can name. Somehow there is at the same time both an oversupply and undersupply of carbon dioxide, which is a testament to just how fast and how impressively this government can completely bollocks up the country.

Clever sausages up and down the land, however, have been breathing into empty gherkin jars. They are at the same time engaging in carbon capture, and providing a future stockpile of their own carbon dioxide which will soon be worth a bomb.

In an unfortunate mix-up at number 47, Jeremy Howard unscrewed the lid of an unlabelled jar to expel his held breath into. But it turned out to be a jar previously used for personal methane collection. Jeremy is said to be in a stable but sour-faced condition.