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Brits stockpiling their own breath in empty pickle jars

The UK government has told the public not to rush out and buy petrol. Which is code for 'selfish BoJo apologists: panic and get down to your petrol station immediately, or be a total loser who missed out'.

The combination of previously stockpiled toilet paper gathering breezeblock dust in garages alongside rusty Jerry cans sploshed with hastily squirted petrol dribbles, does suggest that there might be an explosive flurry of eruptions in your road if you select the correct bedroom window vantage point and give it a short while. OOh and aah.

But it's not just what Americans call gas which is a looming threat to British society. It has been roundly refuted that there is a shortage of pretty much every gas GCSE science holders can name. Somehow there is at the same time both an oversupply and undersupply of carbon dioxide, which is a testament to just how fast and how impressively this government can completely bollocks up the country.

Clever sausages up and down the land, however, have been breathing into empty gherkin jars. They are at the same time engaging in carbon capture, and providing a future stockpile of their own carbon dioxide which will soon be worth a bomb.

In an unfortunate mix-up at number 47, Jeremy Howard unscrewed the lid of an unlabelled jar to expel his held breath into. But it turned out to be a jar previously used for personal methane collection. Jeremy is said to be in a stable but sour-faced condition.

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