Select Committee asks Johnson to step down after obscure 18th-century parliamentary rule emerges

For the second time in a week, conservative MPs have fallen foul of hitherto obscure rules.

Hot on the heels of Matt Hancock's reversal of fortunes with his UN job comes news that Boris Johnson is understood to be considering his position after receiving a letter from a Commons select committee. The letter brought to his attention a recently unearthed 250-year-old parliamentary rule precluding him from carrying out the role of Prime Minister.

The committee's chair told Andrew Marr. 'It's all very unfortunate for Boris, but the little-known rule, drafted in 1774 and never suspended, clearly states that incompetents, philandering chumps and feckless dolts cannot be considered for the job.

'As Mr Johnson passes the litmus test for all three, we have asked him to step down immediately. Therefore, under the rule, he is unfit to hold the office of First Lord of the Treasury.'

However, it seems the PM is not ready to walk just yet. A spokesman for No. 10 said: 'Look, Boris has handed this over to Carrie to sort out as he can't be diverted from his purpose at such a critical time in the nation's welfare.

'To those ends alone, this week, he is already booked for five gala dinners and a Tory fundraiser. All of this before he's then off on a gruelling two-week fact-finding mission in Mustique. Great Britain simply cannot afford to lose his inestimable insight and knowhow in these vital affairs of state.'

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UN to insist Channel Islands are British

The UN’s maritime law tribunal has ruled that Mauritius has no sovereignty over the Channel Islands and criticised Mauritius for its failure to hand the territory back to the UK. This confirms an International Court of Justice ruling and UN General Assembly vote.

The Channel Islands include a variety of tax havens, although not a US military base. Mauritius has said it will return the islands when they're no longer needed for financial skulduggery and tax avoidance. In a weirdly petty development, Channel Island postal stamps are to be banned, although British courts will still use rubber stamps to approve the wishes of the bankers who own them.

A small and isolated island nation, largely dependent on tourist income, the UK is led by electrocuted scarecrow Boris Johnson. Britain is also famous for its beaches which are covered in exotic shell companies.

Captains Ahab, Birdseye, Blackbeard and Pugwash issued a rare joint statement, dismissive of the UN ruling, saying 'Shiver me timbers, if a cutlass, an aircraft carrier and a centre for offshore finance can be beaten by the rule of law, where can a pirate go? Apart from the British Virgin Islands that is. Nowhere near Britain and nowhere near virgins. Arrr.'

[big hat tip to Sir Lupus]

Image by jorono from Pixabay

Liverpool stripped of World Heritage status, forced to hand back The Beatles

Unbeknownst to the majority of Liverpudlians, The Beatles were only on loan to the city, on the understanding that they never let Ringo sing. The UN committee said they needed to return the entire Beatles’ back catalogue, but they could keep ‘The Frog Chorus’.

Rather embarrassingly, the city had to explain that they had lost two of the original band and offered a tribute version of Gerry and the Pacemakers in part exchange. In a handover ceremony, the two remaining Beatles will be put back into cryogenic suspension, until the Justin Bieber retires.

A UNESCO spokeswoman clarified: ‘Sadly, Liverpool has abandoned its colourful history – like the slave trade and tobacco warehouses. All the beautiful architectural landmarks – celebrating slave owners – are being removed. It’s a disgrace. They even tore down a priceless statue of a large pile of dead slaves, sponsored by Marlboro Lights’.

Liverpool will no longer have bragging rights to having the best band from the UK, that honour now passes to a skiffle band from Crawley. Said one despondent fan: ‘Without The Beatles how am I going to know that modern music sounds sh$t?’