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Top 10 tips for running an ethnostate


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1) Don't say 'Whites only', say 'Magnolia', everyone likes Magnolia.

2) Emphasize how clean your beaches are, ethnically clean.

3) Don't call it sterilization, call it sneaky birth control.

4) Accuse everyone else of racism, particularly those who keep dodging your bullets.

5) Buy your weapons from the US. They come with a warranty and are designed to target ethnic minorities.

6) Make sure your Ministers wear black. Embrace that 1940s Reich-look.

7) If you are going to do a genocide, make sure Michael Rapaport is on board. He is a great distraction. If you can't get him, any arsehole will do.

8) You may have to ignore the UN. That's okay - everyone else does.

9) Make funny videos. We all love funny videos. Even ones with dead babies.

10) Say God told you to do it. God has got your back on this. God is definitely some white dude.


US vetoes UN’s New Year’s resolutions

Despite promising to stop genocide and lose some weight, the UN has found that its resolve has been undermined by the USA tempting them with chocolate and all missiles they can eat. The US defended its position: ‘We tried giving up booze once, but we just ended up with Al Capone. Resolutions should focus on achievable promises – like tax breaks for the wealthy and ever worse superhero movies.’


Hints about abandoning the petrodollar or upholding human rights were rejected in favour of a resolution to massage Joe Biden’s bunions. Said one depressed UN representative: ‘We asked if we could do something about world hunger, but the answer was ‘Nope’. We said, what about poverty? ‘Nope’. Could we maybe do something about the environment – ‘Nope’. Finally, we asked, what promise could we make? And they said – ‘promise to keep your mouth shut and turn a blind eye.’


Having already downgraded Santa’s naughty list to just North Korea and James Corden, the US has muted all opposition to its excesses. Said their ambassador: ‘We resolve to make 2024 every bit as scary as 2023. Oh, and go to the gym more.’





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