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The University of Barking, formerly the Polytechnic of the Isle of Dogs, has defended its unusual offer to new students. To attract students through the clearing system, the University is offering a lifetime’s supply of prophylactics, in a range of styles, colours and flavours.


These are ‘inappropriate inducements’, according to critics.


Universities are engaged in a mad scramble to sign up students through the clearing system, due to better than expected A level grades. Universities are desperate to maximise student numbers, in order to maximise their funding, and have resorted to increasingly bizarre tactics to ensure success.


Some universities have offered cash prizes or rent-free accommodation. Others have offered welcome packs including fancy dress costumes, traffic cones and hang over cures. Posher universities are offering subsidised grouse shooting weekends, and one Oxbridge college is offering the chance to do a trolley dash through the college wine cellar.


The University of Barking defended its condom offer as cost-effective, as promoting student health and well-being, and as a sensible response to record levels of STIs on campus.


They neglected to mention the expulsion of a previous beneficiary of the scheme, who filled over a thousand condoms with helium and tied them to a statue of the founder. The statue had floated away and has not yet been retrieved. Anecdotal evidence suggests that it may have reached South Korea.




With H.E. finances perilously close to collapse, Chancellors are faced with the prospect of moving back with their parents and getting a proper job. As any student who has blown their loan in their first week will attest, universities will need to now survive by cutting their own hair, buying pints of soda water from the Student Union and using scraps of textbooks for bedding.



Lecturers will have to forgo any sort of actual wage and revert to meal planning - meaning boiled rice Mon-Fri and, as a treat, rice pudding on the weekend. Student digs will need to accommodate all staff and students, their immediate family and the loan shark they now owe everything to.



The Government is clear no bail out will be forthcoming, so Universities need to stand on their own two feet and not bring their washing home every fortnight. ‘There are many options available. They could use their student discount to get up to £10 back on their multi-million pound debt. And socks. Do they need so many socks? If every University cut back on socks, they’d be fully funded. Or have less socks to wash. I dunno, something like that.’




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