top of page


ree

An elderly man suspected of suffering from dementia and anal leakage, was seen tending the chip fryer in a MacDonalds branch. A spokesbeing for MacDonalds acknowledged they are embarrassed by the incident and said they are investigating how the man managed to bypass their strict security rules.


“'t isn’t just the risk this dickhead posed to our customers, there would have been hell to pay if he had fallen into the deep fat fryer. You’ve no idea what it costs these day to run one of them, or whether an untrained idiot was working in the system and putting too much MSG on the fries.


'We can cope with migrant workers falling into the chip fryers, because we can pass them off as chicken nuggets, but this guy had posh shoes on, so we know someone might come looking for him.


'We have to run a tight ship in the fast food business; and every cent counts. We can’t have daft old fools causing us grief with our shareholders over the profit margins; and goodness knows how many customers he will have scared away.'


Photo by Road Ahead on Unsplash



ree

The billionaire owner of the social media site previously known as Prince, has decided to offer swing state voters $1m to overlook Trump's combover. Lobbyists are furious that he has undermined democracy, as that was their job: 'He's doing it all wrong, you're supposed to bribe the politicians. If we start bribing the voters, they might actually benefit for once.' When asked, most voters took a jaundiced view of the election: 'It's all a scam, but at least this way we get a cut.'


The $1m lottery means there is a remote chance of voters getting rich, as opposed to when Trump gets elected, where there is zero chance. Under American election law it is illegal to pay for votes, although ironically American voters have been paying for theirs for the last 200 years.


By contrast, Harris has refused to bribe voters with anything they might want. Her spokeswoman insisted: 'There's no need for lobbyists to pay voters - when politicians are so cheap.'


Photo by Rosie Kerr on Unsplash


ree

US Democrats have denied Republican claims that they control the weather, since weather forecasting is science and 'not technically witchcraft'.


One Democrat said 'Republicans are naturally suspicious of science, because it involves verifiable facts.'


'Besides, if Democrats controlled the weather, wouldn't every single hurricane beat a path through Mar-a-Lago? The last time that place saw a storm surge, Ms Daniels was in there, blowing harder than a hurricane.'


'Also, we'd have to be very careful with sunshine near Joe Biden. Despite the aviator shades, there is a concern he might walk towards the light.'


A spokesman for Donald Trump said 'The Trump University science department says every room that the Donald goes in, he makes it rain. Donald Trump personally guarantees four years of great weather, but only to those who vote for him.'



bottom of page