Britain to Negotiate US/Canada Peace Agreement

Great Britain has offered to negotiate a peace agreement between Canada and the United States.  This would allow the return of half of the United States to the Americans, while the rest would continue to be the eleventh province of Canada.

'I can't think of anything fairer than that' said a source close to one side or the other. 'Half each!  As for which half, I suppose Canada will want the top half - including Alaska - but it's not clear whether the Americans will want the bottom half.  It may be a bit near Mexico for their liking.'

'Maybe, if the Mexicans invade, they could negotiate to give half of their bottom portion to the Mexicans, in exchange for the Mexicans contributing to the cost of building a wall right round the whole of the American's remaining territory to keep out everyone, including the Canadians, the Mexicans and everyone else, including anyone who dares to wants to try to export anything to them.  Not sure what they'd do with Israelis though.'

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Ukrainians convert to Judaism in hope of attracting unreserved, limitless military support from US

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China Tees Off On Trump

The ongoing trade war between China and the Trump administration looks set to end abruptly after the Chinese government dealt Donald Trump a devastating blow. The Chinese government has purchased the majority shares in every single golf tee manufacturing company on the planet, and has decided to move all golf tee production to China.

With the new tariffs set by Trump, the price of a set of four standard golf tees has risen from around $3 to around $8. On top of that, China has decided to set a blanket export tax for all goods from China to the USA, of $20,000. Therefore, a set of four standard golf tees will cost the flatulent President, $20,008 each.

Upon receiving the news, and with no golf tees to take to Scotland when he visits the King on his second state visit to the UK, President Trump issued the following statement:

‘I love the Chinese. I love the Chinese people, I love the Chinese culture, I love the Chinese food. They’re a nation of great wall builders – fantastic walls. You know they have a wall you can see from space? With the naked eye, from space you can see their walls – fantastic walls – fantastic people. And crackers to die for – I love their crackers.

Honestly, I wish we could build walls like the Chinese – a very proud people. Very proud of their walls’.

The world waits and watches with baited breath to see what the results of this power move from the Chinese will be.

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