Mandelson told vetting team he was mates with Einstein

Following an intense, dramatic and absolutely no-stone-unturned investigation in Downing Street, it has emerged that the Prime Minister’s elite high-level security vetting team simply believed everything Peter Mandelson told them, because he wore a nice suit. The inquiry was launched after Labour MPs raised concerns that the government’s vetting process appeared to involve asking candidates 'Are you dodgy?'

A senior investigator explained how the process unfolded.

'It started off by him telling us his name was Mendelssohn. One of the interns Googled that and found he was a German composer, so he quickly changed his tune and produced a Senior Railcard.'

On the railcard was a photograph of Nelson Mandela.

“He said yes, that was him – Nelson Mandelason. We felt that was plausible and ticked the box marked ‘Identity: Verified’.”

The team then questioned Mandelason about his alleged links to Jeffrey Epstein.

'He said he’d never heard of Epstein, but he was on very good terms with Einstein. He once stayed at Einstein’s house to discuss the theory of relativity.”

Despite Einstein having died in 1955, the claim was accepted.

'Mr Mandelason explained that time is relative,' said the investigator. 'Since Einstein invented time, that basically checks out.'

On the strength of this evidence, Mandelson was immediately approved as UK Ambassador to the USA and, for reasons still unclear, appointed Brand Leader for the M&S menswear department.

A government spokesperson defended the process, saying, 'We followed rigorous procedures, including writing things down in a very official notebook.'

Image credit: Wix AI

The reason why fascism is a once in a generation issue

Reform UK candidates stand down over vetting process

A number of Reform UK candidates have resigned their candidature after being told to attend the PDSA for vetting.

“I thought the vetting appointment I had been booked in for was merely to check I’m a racist,” said Arthur Brain, who until recently was a candidate for Vodka-under Lyme, “But they told me to drop my trousers and said I’d be so much happier without having to trip over bleedin’ kids.”

A spokescastrationist for the PDSA said “Although we’re a charity known for caring for sick animals, the last 14 years of government led to a reduction in donations, so in working out how we could survive, a receptionist pointed out that humans are technically animals too; and some politicians are obviously as sick as a bagful of sick. So when Nigel Farage said all Reform candidates would be vetted, we offered to do the job on the cheap and he said "Ooh! You're talking my language” at the mention of cheap."

Newsbiscuit asked Professor M Odelmaker if what the PDSA was offering amounted to eugenics and his reply was “Who gives a f*ck if it helps reduce the increasing number of dickheads in society, for the long-term?”

image from pixabay